The Scariest Of Changes

October 5, 2018

I am going to be completely honest with you, changes are scary. There is nothing exciting about certain changes. It really is a pity that most changes are certainly not for the best. Changes are sneaky. You do not even realize how fast they happen. Then you ask yourself, when did this happen? where did this happen? And most importantly how? Everyone changes sooner or later. Its a painful process. Years ago, I was an average ten year old. Strong willed, carefree, powerful, happy and dumb. Too dumb to think it would always be this good... I would always be this good. Growing up, I noticed a lot of changes in everyone. I had noticed my cousins were rather lazy and conscious.They didn't want to play silly games or get dirty. All they cared for were selfies and talking like civilized grown ups.I was furious at them. For changing... Before I changed too. Every girl goes through this stage. I am not special. I grew self conscious. Always staring into the mirror. Wishing to change my ordinary reflection. At school, Ii longed to be better than others. I always topped the class at first. And then I was always second to this boy in class. I was angry and hurt. How dare he be better than me? But this voice in my head said to me," Where you always this arrogant? There was a time you would have congratulated him and laughed at your situation. You would have been kind to him!" I told the voice to shut it. \Who needed to be smart? I just had to be funny and sassy. I could hangout with the cool kids and joke all the time. There was nothing wrong with that. I hung around with them, laughed and slacked. It was good to get a break from studying. I tried to make everything I say sound cool. I tried to be loved by everyone. I broke rules and I loved it. My grades slipped. I started hating the boy even further. I made fun of the not so talented students. I started getting rather angry and short tempered. I was losing it. My teachers trust, my parents love, my friends support. My new friends were great and kind too. But the problem was me... I didn't think I was good enough. I was jealous. I wanted to look pretty. I wanted to be the old me too. Then one day I got into trouble at school. It was a stupid game of truth and dare. The principal marched into the class and called me out. Up till today she was proud of me. She said she was disappointed. She couldn't believe me. She expected more from me. She left and I lost it completely. I started crying in the class. I sobbed and cried and my heart was heavy. I loathed myself. But I found this new found strength in me. I tried to make things right. Some things worked out, some didn't. I focused on my studies and was polite to everyone. But I was a freaking puppet of faith. I did not care anymore. Ii changed schools. It was hard to leave my old friends and teachers behind. This hostile change. Where would it take me? At my new school I tried to be kind. I was gentle and helped everyone. I tried to make them like me. But that is not how you make friends. You need to show them your true self and let them accept it. So I stopped trying. And I made so many wonderful friends who have been there for me. Ii still longed to be that dumb ten year old. But I realized that some things can not be undone. Society has done this us. Tried to make us perfect. There is no such thing I realize. The best we can do is stop trying. Go with the flow. Stop being so hard on ourselves. Yes , you could have done somethings better. But you need to accept yourself before others accept you. Its okay to hate ourselves now and then. Its a part of life, Just make sure to  never hurt the people who are close to you. Because they were there for me. When I was a dumb ten year old... When I was an arrogant teen ... And they still are here now. Notice the beauty of life itself, How rare these changes are. One day you will die, then we can all be dumb little  kids chasing cars...


See History
  • October 5, 2018 - 9:18am (Now Viewing)

Login or Signup to provide a comment.