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Please tell me what I need to improve on as well as what would make my writing stronger and better!

The Spider Collector

January 14, 2016


    “Mommy come look what I have in my room” my gleeful son, Eoin, runs up to me and tugs at my pant leg. I sigh, setting down the knife onto the wood cutting board filled with chopped peppers. I follow him into his room and he points to the bed. I cast my gaze to his bed and see a spider, sitting serenely on his pillow. It looked unrealistic, Eoin placed his hand palm up near the spider and it crawled quickly up his hand. He giggled as the tiny hairs tickled his skin. “Mommy can we keep it?” he asks me pouting. I sigh, “Yes but keep it in a jar and please do not let it escape.” He nods and I go to the kitchen and fetch an empty pickle jar. I hand the jar to Eoin and he swiftly puts the spider in the jar. I shuddered as the spider's eyes followed me as I exited his room. Eoin loved the spider. He became more secluded, hanging out with the spider more than actual people.
    A few days later I opened Eoin’s door. His once pale blue room was now covered with strands of webbing. My hand flew to my mouth as I saw Eoin under the mass of web surrounded by 10 spiders. I shriek out and Eoin and the spiders turn and look at me. “Look Mommy” he gleefully says. “Get out of there this instant” I sternly say. “What’s wrong Mommy?” he asks his ice blue eyes filled with concern. “The  spiders need to leave” I say fearfully. “No!” he shouts making me flinch.

    Anger washes over his eyes as spiders start crawling out of every crack and crevice in the room and start crawling over me. I scream, trying to brush them off but it doesn’t work. Their furry hair tickles my skin as their legs dig into me leaving marks. I scream in pain as they dig their fangs injecting me with their venom. They start spinning their deadly trap around me as I convulse and fall to the ground paralyzed. Eoin menacingly laughs which rattles my bones.

.    .    . 

    The spiders finish wrapping up Mommy and crawl up and sit by my feet. I laugh joyfully and clap my hands together. The spiders look at me and then crawl all over my legs. I giggle as their hairs tickle my limbs. They wrap me up before adding more strands to their hanging home in my room. I fall asleep in my warm web while the spiders watch over me like angels.
I wake up to a police officer knocking on the door. I crawl out of my warm web and open the door. “Is your mother home?” he asks me and I nod. I grab his wrist and pull him into my room. He gasps and the spiders jump onto him quickly biting and wrapping him.

I smile big, my teeth turning into fangs and I start feeding on the officers flesh.


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  • January 14, 2016 - 3:17pm (Now Viewing)

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