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Nocturnal

United States

Hello! I try to be interesting. My age is always changing for the worse so I won't include it. I love reading and writing, pretty much everything but fantasy (mainly fairies). I have a blog about writing: https://jaciknight.blogspot.com/

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No Such Thing

October 19, 2018

  I ran outside, into the cold, tears freezing against my cheeks and lungs burning with the mixed exertion of running and crying. Running until I got to a hidden place, pretending voices were calling me back. Noticing my absence. Silence was all that met my ears, as if the cold had frozen all noise to halt. I took off my jacket, throwing it down by my side as the cold winds began to bite at my arms. The cold stung, but the feeling mirrored the emotions I felt. In a way, I could visualize freezing into nothingness... Gradually going numb until all that remained was a void... I almost did.
  Many people feel that way, that sense that they're impossibly unlovable, and therefore unmissable. That going into numb oblivion would be nice. That's depression, and it's a real problem. Depression isn't attention seeking, or an unfortunate chemical disorder in your brain, it's as dangerous as any of the physical illnesses that nobody laughs at. The thing is, nobody can comprehend what it's like or what help they can give, the impact they could have, unless they've had depression themselves. "There's no such thing!" Some people say. They don't understand. It's like having the flu, except nobody else has ever had it or they don't think it's a big deal. You don't have any energy, and sleep doesn't help. Getting up to fold laundry or do dishes feels like an enormous effort, small activities such as paying attention to a TV show or book is hard... You can't focus,  energy is like a distant memory, but you can't take a break or show symptoms because nobody will understand. Like that's insufficient impairment, your view of life distorts everything... A dark filter sucking colors from of life. Everyone hates you, they have to! There's no future for you, because who could do anything worthwhile with such a low amount of energy and such trouble concentrating? Who would listen to you anyway? What if you should end it now, because what will the future bring anyway? No ending to this "flu" in sight. You can't even remember what it's like to have energy and feel happy...  
  Five years later, I ran into the living room. Breathless, smiling, bouncing up and down. "Mom guess what! I have a one hundred in English and Psychology! The teacher even said I had model student work!" Warmth and happiness pressed in around me at the praise, intensifying as Mom gave me a genuine smile. 
  "That's amazing, sweetie!" Mom stopped what she was working on to give me a hug, embodying the warm feeling around me. As I pranced back into my room to complete more schoolwork, work towards my future, enjoy more life... I thought forwards to my upcoming dance recital, the solo they'd wanted me to do although I'd started a few months ago. I thought about the book I had created, full of characters that I loved and knew it would be a success. I thought about college, all my opportunities for the future, how good and happy life was. Everything I had to work towards, all the love and support I had. 
  As I entered my room, seeing my cork-board covered in quotes about dancing and writing, life, psychology, everything I would be in the future, a certain picture caught my eye. A snowflake. I remembered that day five years ago when everything was so pointless, when nobody cared, when the snowy winter was as frozen as my spirit. I thought about how awful and sad that was... How wrong I had been, that nobody cared and that I had nothing. I knew then, what the point of my life was. 
  There's no such thing as a mistake, there's no such thing as a bad experience. Because those are what shape us into who we are. If I hadn't been depressed, I wouldn't be preparing for my future as a psychiatrist. There would be one less person in the world to help those in need of help, and one person can do a lot. Change even one life, and the world is changed. 
  There is no such thing as a wasted life, as wasted time, no such thing as impossible. I changed, and I will change people. Like a metamorphosis, from one thing to other, and each stage is important no matter how ugly or painful it might seem. That's the message I want to share: There is no such thing as a mistake. No such thing as wasted time. No such thing as a small action. No such thing as forever. Make the most of your now, prepare for your later, and appreciate every step for what it is.

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  • October 19, 2018 - 4:59pm (Now Viewing)

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