AudienceOfOne

United States

I am
a Child of God
a writer
a reader
a dancer
a volleyball player
a runner
a daughter
a wizard
a demigod
a tribute
I am
Me
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one remembers to turn on the light."
Albus Dumbledore

Message to Readers

Hey guys, I would really appreciate some peer feedback on this. If you have the time, maybe pop on over and see what it says! Thanks!

Pride

October 22, 2018

     I remember the feeling. So clearly. So vividly. I was curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth on the heels of my feet. Tears were streaming down my face, my hair in ratted clumps around my head. The world seemed to be blurring around me, and all I could hear were my thoughts screaming inside my brain, and the constant pounding in my heart.
    Right in that moment, I knew the definition of complete and utter fear. I felt as if I was drowning in my own thoughts-trapped in my own head. This battle between myself, and the inability to control my mind was terrifying. I was afraid of myself.
    I remember that-that one moment. Probably my weakest moment as a human being. I remember the look on my parents' faces as they stood watching me huddle in the corner-a mix of sadness and desperation-and maybe a little fear too. I remember hating myself, hating myself for making them afraid-afraid for me, afraid of me. I remember hating the world, just wishing it would all go away, asking to God, anyone: Why me? 
    But I realize now why-why I had to spend those many nights trying to defy my own thoughts, making sure that everything was in order so that I couldn't do anything wrong, trying to shut down my brain, but instead making it spiral. I now realize why. I am the start of the change. 
    Living with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has taught me a lot of things. I have learned that constant perfection and immediate success are impossible, and that simply one moment doesn't define me. But, I feel that most importantly, I've learned that I'm not alone. That memory in the corner, that was the most alone I've ever felt-so hopeless and scared. But ever since then, ever since my pain was revealed, so many people have been with me every step of the way. All of these people in my life have guided me to overcome my obstacles and defeat my brain. That is my definition of change. Over the past few years, I have grown so much from where I was. As I began seeking more help, and opening up more, I began to feel more confident in myself, and who I was. With that confidence came the power for me to stand up to my brain, and tell myself that I did have control over my thoughts, that I was going to win this battle no matter what. Every step of the way, someone was holding my hand and showing me how to wipe my fears away. 
        I remember the terror that pulsed through my veins as I cowered on the floor that dreadful day. I was afraid of myself-of everything. It seemed like parts of me were coming loose, as if I was melting into a puddle of desperation on the ground. I might have stayed there until someone carried me, until someone somehow fixed me magically, because I was too afraid to do anything to help myself. But a voice startled me, and awoke me out of me stupor, into somewhat of a confusion.
    "Get up. Come on. Get up." I remember my eyes wearily searching, wondering, what do you mean-'get up?'
    "I said, get up." My dad, arms still crossed, looked at me with loving but tough eyes. I shakily got up, feeling woozy in the head, dried tears on my cheeks.
    "You are in control. Go say it." Now my mom, never letting me give up-gesturing to the kitchen. I didn't quite understand at the time-so I walked out into the kitchen and stood there.
    "Say it. Say that you are in control." 
    "I am in control." A mere whisper, a mutter, barely a sentence.
    "Louder."
    "I am in control." Stronger, but still soft.
    "Louder."
    "I am control!"
    "Louder!"
    "I AM IN CONTROL!"
    I was sobbing and screaming, still scared, but thriving. There was still fight left in me-still the will to overcome.
    I don't know what would have happened if no one would have helped me up. Maybe I'd still be shaking on the ground today. But I know one thing: If no one would have told me to get up, to tell myself that I am in control of my thoughts, I would not be who I am this very day. I changed into a person, that I must admit, I am proud of. I am proud of who I am and what I have become today. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me, and have helped me find this feeling of pride. And I want other people to feel pride too-in themselves. Everyone deserves that feeling. Everyone deserves to know that they're not alone. 
    I know what it feels like-seeming as if you are the only one who thinks or feels this way. But that's not true. Over 450 million people in the world are currently diagnosed with some sort of mental illness. A person is never alone. My dream is to someday give all of these people the chance to change. The chance to change into a person who they are proud of. That is change for me: becoming something you are proud of. 
    If I could have seen into the future when I sat rocking in that corner, if I could have seen the future person I would become, I would have been extremely surprised. It would have been difficult for me to understand how I could go from an insecure worrywart to a confident young lady. But I did. And I'm proud of that. I want everyone to have that feeling-everyone to feel pride in themselves. Because that is change. If we all could change to be proud of who we are, the world would be a much better place. I know it would. 
    

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