ericaisraaad

Australia

Hi. My name is Erica. I'm a huge nerd who has no idea what I'm doing.

I am open to ALL constructive criticism. My writing skills are far from perfect so I'd love to hear your opinions from time to time.

The things I am too afraid to tell you

September 11, 2018

FREE WRITING

11
Everyone has insecurities.
Everyone has doubts.
Some may be bigger than others, but they are always there.
I will admit that mine may be petty, insignificant, and irrational, but they still exist and lurk over me, following me wherever I go.

I could go on and on about the things I am afraid of, but even then I worry.
I worry that if I continue to express my feelings around you, you will become agitated, telling me that I have it so much better than other people, and you're right.

You're so right, in fact, that I feel guilty about being one of the "lucky" teenagers.
I feel guilty about having a functioning family with parents who are still together.
I feel guilty about having a good mental state, no disabilities, no disorders.
I feel guilty about having just the right amount of money to spend on weekly groceries, new clothes, and house bills.
I feel guilty about living in a nice home with comfortable furniture, a home I love, but am somehow still too embarrassed have friends in.
Why do I have to be one of those "lucky" teenagers?

I hate listening to my friends vent about what is going on in their lives.
I hate sitting there, not being able to do anything to help them except sympathize.

I am ashamed of this guilty feeling, but whenever I have tried to ignore it and cheer myself up, it only makes me feel worse.
I want to tell you and the others about how I feel, but I am embarrassed and worried about what you will think of me.

I'm jealous of you, you know?
Whenever I see you talking freely to your friends about the things you are passionate about, asking for opinions, or being complimented by unknown faces about absolutely anything, I stare in awe. I simply cannot understand how you are so talented, loved, and confident. How do you do it?

Why am I like this? Why am I embarrassed to tell you my opinions?
My hobbies, my experiences, my interests.
Those are just a few of the things I am too afraid to tell you.

But I want to continue, I want to express my feelings. But I worry that if I continue to do so, you will become frustrated with me, listening only to be polite, telling me that I should not have anything to worry about, and perhaps you're right.

Like I said before, everyone has insecurities and everyone has doubts.
Mine, however, are ones that I simply cannot repress.
But that does not mean I will not try.
I know this may sound somewhat strange, but I'm not great at expressing my feelings on paper.
This is actually something I was considering telling a friend but I'll decide later if I actually will.

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  • September 11, 2018 - 2:26am (Now Viewing)

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4 Comments
  • AlienFromPluto

    I actually relate to this a lot. There was a time (namely when I went back to school after being home schooled most of my life) when I was like this. It actually stopped sometime after I left the school. I truly hope you get through this soon, please don't feel guilty by comparing your situations to others. Comparing yourself, in any aspect, to others is usually a bad idea, there are some exceptions, but this is not one of them.


    almost 3 years ago
  • Carpizza

    STOP APOLOGISING!


    about 3 years ago
  • Johanna

    I was feeling sad, and I read this. And I want to cry. This is a really beautiful piece... keep on writing!


    about 3 years ago
  • she’s-got-a-story

    don't let people make you feel guilty. (our situations are not our fault. the best we can do is try and help others with what we have.)
    in response to the footnote- i think this is expressed very, very well.


    about 3 years ago