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Carpizza

Australia

16-year-old Aussie, brewing poetry and lil antidotes.

Message from Writer

I love constructive criticism on both grammar/spelling and content. I hope you enjoy my works :)

The Flowers in my Lungs

January 4, 2019

FREE WRITING

3
Voice, noun, the melody the vocal cords dance to.

My vocal cords are paralysed, like a vase for the flowers in my lungs,
The scar my neck you ask about,
Is a time stamp of 11 years talking,
So I hide the scar on my stomach,
To save retelling why it took 12 years to officially eat independently.
At my recent doctor appointments,
We marvel at how far I've come.

Unlike Physical Educations,
when my lungs sharpen from running.
In class discussions, my voice is a whisper,
Trying to fight my breaths,
so you hand out empty advice to,
breathe quieter.

Breathe, verb, inhale and exhale, creating the beat to your voice.

"Breathe quieter"
Like lit cigarettes pressed against my lungs,
Burns wrapped in the smoke,
The flowers cannot breathe in,
I cannot breathe in.

"Breathe quieter"
How are you suppose to listen to my lyrics,
When there are vines wrapped around my tonnage,
Whispering Wisterias,
My lungs filled with Roses and Tulips 
Clovers caught between my teeth,
I don't need an echo,
Every spoken word, I leave a trail of petals!

Sorry, was I breathing too loud?
The flowers just tend to brag that I'm alive!
Alive, adjective, the feeling of carelessly twirling in the landmine of existence.

I don't breathe for your opinions,
My voice will never harmonise,
With your clean, cut grass voice.
My scars are medals,
To which you can't relate to,
and that's okay. 

Vocal cord paralysis, noun, when the roots to the music box are disrupted creating a vase for flowers to grow.

Unlike my voice,
I'll never quite.


 
Hii I redited this poem and cut out a bit. I will probably use this in a slam soI I'd love to hear your feedback.

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4 Comments
  • Kati

    Wow, I especially like the phrase "the flowers in my lungs" -- I've never heard that description before, but it's wonderful! As somebody who's had some trouble breathing because of both asthma and stress, it's a spot on description!


    8 months ago
  • Anha

    wow i'd love to hear this spoken out loud! i don't have any immediate criticisms, but the tone in the seventh stanza seems to be a giant shift from the one before? maybe i'm imagining things, but this is an amazing piece!


    9 months ago
  • Carpizza

    Thank you @Oscar_Locke :)


    9 months ago
  • Oscar_Locke

    like a knife, this is beautiful, this is cutting.

    my only suggestion would be to replace "Every spoken word, I leave a trail of petals!"; it kinda feels out of place with the rest of the poem.

    otherwise, congratulations.


    9 months ago