Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
The cultural element of this piece is evidently integral to you as a writer and is effective in helping you express your concerns for the environment from a personal level. By interweaving your own stories, memories and observations and relating them to the world's changing landscape that the world seems to be inactive towards, you present a unique argument that not only showcases your attachment to the environment, but also your desire to advocate for its preservation in the long run.
The stakes are more implicit in this piece but it can be understood that the environmental crisis that is currently being faced in our society affects every single one of us at a macro level. The impact of environmental damage reverberates into all aspects of human life and not only informs us of the decreasing state of the planet, but also of our moral culpability and activism. The reader is urged to care because it is intrinsically influencing them, as much as it is a global issue.
The piece identifies itself well and has a strong sense of completion which left me satisfied with the writer's message and intended direction for their readers to act upon. If there was anything I would suggest, it would be to incorporate more factual information about environmental destruction to elevate the realism of your essay and balance it with your well-executed idealism of ancient admiration and appreciation for nature.
"Because despite its ancient culture, South Korea is now one of the most polluted places in the world. Recently, it was shown to have the worst air quality among all the OECD economies. And in Australia, my second home, millions of native flora and fauna have been eradicated as nearly half of our forests have been cleared in the past two centuries."
For example, in this paragraph, I found it interesting how you have drawn comparisons from two different worlds and linked them with a common flaw of environmental damage. Perhaps you could provide in the footnotes the sources you used to extract this information and other readings that influenced your essay. This could increase its credibility and integrate more factual details in your response, enabling you to share more of the status quo and how it starkly contrasts with ancient cultural beliefs.
Although the competition is closed, I would strongly recommend you continue working on this draft! I can envision it as an even longer response with the foundation you have already set in place in this draft you have published here. You provide an original and compelling argument with insightful commentaries on the environment and status quo. I would encourage you to further pursue essay writing of this style because it shows who you are as a writer and what matters to you in an informative and passionate way.
I thoroughly enjoyed reviewing this piece and look forward to seeing what contributions you will make to the site post ambassadorship. Hopefully this review was helpful! Thank you for your commitment and efforts in the program and all the best with your creative endeavours. Happy writing!