United States

Asexual || Dreamer || Hufflepuff
Hopeless romantic dreaming to find her true love
Songs || Stories || Poems
In love with two people, plus someone who can never be mine.

Message to Readers

Pardon me if my words give the shadow of offense.

A Turn for the Better

August 31, 2018


When I was a little bean, not even out of elementary school, "gay" meant "happy". And I loved the new word, so I used it often. As I grew a tiny bit older, "gay" had a new meaning in my dictionary: homosexual. Once I learned the new meaning of the word, it popped up in nearly every conversation I heard. From people's tones and diction, I could tell being gay was a bad thing. In the words of my schoolmates, it was gross. In the words of my family, it was sinful. I made sure at that moment that I would never choose to be gay, and I would shut out anyone who would. After all, if everyone agrees on something, it must be true, right? So for a few years, I stayed away from lesbians and gay boys. I had a fight with my best friend because she insisted Lindsey Stirling was "lesbo". I liked Lindsey Stirling, so I was offended she'd think that of her. When we got out of elementary, and into middle school, the line became fuzzy. Some people were willingly telling others they were gay. Why would they do that to themselves?

Then, one fateful school night when I should've been sleeping but was watching Samgladiator on my iPod instead, I came across something astounding. The green girl, Sookie, that Sam had been crushing on came out to him that she was a lesbian. I watched this and furrowed my brow in disgust, but the other characters in the roleplay video cheered for her. Was it possible that being homosexual was... okay? Maybe. After that I was a little confused. And it didn't help that people were coming out with more designer sexualities. Bisexual, Polysexual, Pansexual- what is that? Are you getting busy with cooking utensils now? My friend told me about something called asexual, which means you just don't date anyone. I decided I didn't want to be asexual, because I wanted to date people when and if I had feelings for them. I continued the Samgladiator series until the end, and stumbled upon someone who was forced on me but changed my life for the better:Thomas Sanders. I first watched his Vines, and I loved him. Then I watched his vlogs, his Sanders Sides series, and still his Vines, and in a few videos I noticed him saying he was gay. The more often I saw him say it, the more serious he sounded. When I came to terms and finally believed it was after him reacting to his old Vines, and saying something along the lines of how hard it was to act like he was attracted to girls. I thought it was cool, and I told my cousin, who had introduced me to Thomas in the first place. He didn't seem very happy with it, almost like he wished it wasn't true. 

I was getting more interested in the whole thing, and found an acronym: LGBTQ+. I learned all the real meanings of the letters and the meanings of the words, and through more Thomas Sanders videos I realized I'm asexual. Because being asexual doesn't mean not dating, it means having no sexual attraction towards anyone the way others do. I learned there's a whole spectrum of asexuality, and thought that was cool. While my family was still pretty phobic about it, I opened up and accepted everyone into my life regardless of sexual orientation. I defended my non-binary friends when my uncle called them retarded. I argue with my father about transgender issues. The closer to now I got, the more interested in the community and the more prideful I got. I was so proud of being asexual, of finding who I am, but then in the first year of high school, I learned something else. Not everyone likes asexual people. Not everyone agrees they're a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Not everyone supports it. On social media, I would defend the community from itself and from others, but it was like, because I was asexual, my opinion was invalid. Suddenly, I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not transgender, nor do I feel attraction to girls, so I'm "basically straight". I don't feel sexual attraction, including toward boys, so I don't fit in the straight category either. I don't understand why a community who is constantly faced with oppression, oppresses each other. Some people make the argument that asexual people aren't LGBT because they're not killed for being asexual or denied employment. But... why is it a competition of who's more oppressed? Shouldn't we just accept each other? That's all anyone in the community wants in the end.

While I still get hate from the community, and still get made fun of by some straight people, I got tired of caring. I decided I don't need the label of "LGBT" to be myself. I just need a few good friends, and I'm good to go. My opinion still doesn't matter to a lot of people in the community, but I still do my best to help and defend them when someone tries to hurt them. I'm happy that I at least got away from the LGBT-phobia that still squeezes my family today.


See History
  • August 31, 2018 - 11:46am (Now Viewing)

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  • Lauren Nelson

    Ayyyyyy another ace... nice to meet you!!!

    about 2 years ago
  • LackingASocialLife

    Y E S S S S S S S S S
    I love Thomas Sanders
    Love Asexual friends
    Love asexual friends talking about their asexuality
    Love THIS

    about 2 years ago
  • muppet

    this is really good omheck

    about 2 years ago
  • janice

    wow I get really confused about all these issues, too. my family is conservative, too, and it can get really difficult. Thanks for sharing!

    about 2 years ago