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16. v tired.

Message to Readers

i hate eating lunch at school.

me vs her

August 28, 2018

she's beautiful.

"ohmygod, i can't believe i almost forgot to eat lunch again," she laughs
they're caught up in algebra 2 homework

he grabs her lunchbox for her. it's green. 
"you're going to drop dead someday," he reminds her. he's teasing. 
he likes her. a lot. 
the third one here, he's a skinny guy. 

i wish i had her strength. her ability to forget. 
i can't forget food. it's always there, in the number. always in my head. 
calories. i hate them. 
800 today, but it could have been 600 if i had tried a little harder. 
2000 to maintain, 1000 to lose. 
calories, calories, calories. 

i hide behind my 140 avocado. 
i'm screaming behind closed teeth. 
i breathe hard into my 76 mango. 
i retreat into my 177 self.
behind the lockers, beneath, are all three of us. i am apart.
"don't forget this time," i say to her. she laughs, because she's kind. 

i am disgusting. 



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  • August 28, 2018 - 7:43pm (Now Viewing)

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  • she's-got-a-story

    whatever you do, don't fall into the notebook part of it. my notebook is in my bedroom. don't do it. I don't mean eat everything all the time, but do not get into obsessing over food. It is so time consuming. It takes over everything. sometime you just have to eat the stupid carbs. if you don't need to count, don't. eat some carbs, veggies, and protein every day. don't go hungry on purpose. ever.
    im praying for your friend, and for you. keep eating. keep loving. keep being loved.

    about 2 months ago
  • paperbird

    i realize this is old now but i can relate so hard. one of my friends ended up being hospitalized--she kept a notebook that counted calories. she'd write "i do not deserve food" on pieces of paper to stop herself from getting tempted. lately i've felt this way too though--i can't help thinking about the math behind food. and then i feel guilty for thinking about the numbers. but every time i eat something that's high in carbs or whatever i get this whole other kind of guilt, and, comparing the two types, i'd rather be guilty at numbers than guilty at myself.

    about 2 months ago