Peer Review by stormguard798 (Singapore)()

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Inner voices

By: Nonny21


FREE WRITING

Hold yourself up high. Don't look. Don't even think.
I repeat it to myself over and over again, like a mantra.
I take all precautions.
I built the walls around me, strong and high.

Be logical. Don't do something you'll regret.

((Just a look. A look wont kill you right?))
A moment of weakness was all it took.
And everything came crashing down.
Burying me under the rubble.

Back down. NOW. Before it get's worse.

((You're already in it. Might as well go all the way.))
I knew that I could still stop.
That I should back away.
But the high is exciting.

Darling foolish child.

((You're weak. Pathetic. Good for NOTHING))

The consequences come after.
The wallowing guilt, the stabbing hurt.
That feeling that I've let myself down.

You never learn do you?




 

The sentences in italics are the positive or logical part. The sentences in italics and brackets is the negative part, the one that pushes you to do idiotic stuff that you regret later.
So... What do you guys think?

Message to Readers

I think that this piece seems a little off but I've published it anyway. Feedback is welcome with open arms :)
Let me know if you like it!!


Peer Review

The most important part of the piece is that it's relatable to many people, as the idea of having a conflicting conscience is one that we'd all experience. However, whilst the premise was relatable, I felt it lacked some strong emotive language to really make me feel.


The poem alludes to an event with a high, and terrible consequences, which alludes to a great number of different events; however, if you're looking to further develop the character, you could hone in on what it is they're struggling with.


Reviewer Comments

I personally feel that this scene would be much better if converted into a short story or extract as I feel that it can be more effectively emoted and described in a way that really resonates,

I think that it's a good premise, however, with all the different voices, it lacks the certain punchiness that poetry typically lends itself too, hence, I think adding bits of description and dialogue descriptors would work here.