Peer Review by stripedfly (United States)

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Hachiman the Protecter: Prolouge

By: Lee Fudge


FREE WRITING

Centuries ago, during the time of Emporer Ojin, the World was attacked by the terrible and terrifying god of destruction, Hakai. He had taken the form of a serpent-like dragon, and scorched our great land, causing many of the great demon’s minions to rise throughout the chaos. Hakai had finally reached his goal of reaching the capital, and all hope seemed lost.

But, through the ashes of Hakai’s great attack on his beloved city, Ojin raised his sword and tried to take on the god. Ojin took blow after blow after blow from the massive dragon, but soon landed on the mad god’s head, which the mortal stabbed into. 

Hakai roared in pain, his weak spot finally being hit after thousands of years of his long life, and came crashing down on the ruined city, it’s citizens in awe of their emporer’s great deed. However, Ojin suffered many wound during his fight with the god, and perished soon after the battle. 

A celebration was held in honor of the hero eemporer, and the defeat of Hakai, a festival still held to this day. After eating parts of the dead god’s body, temples were built to honor Ojin for his deed. 

The sudden surge of belief made Ojin’s soul reincarnate, not as an ordinary human, but as a god. Ojin had become Hachiman, the god of war, and the protector of our land of Agnesia. 

 


Message to Readers

Any feedback is great.


Peer Review

I really like how you managed to make this a fantasy piece, and yet it sounds like something ancient cultures would have truly believed in.


I'd like to know what happens next! The story starts with "centuries ago," which implies that something has happened between then and now.


Reviewer Comments

I'd really like to know about the culture of the people who live in Agnesia, but I understand that you can't give too much away ;) Good job and keep writing!