i don't want to sleep tonight. abi's on the line and her voice is soft from the lateness. she wants to talk a little longer.
"what'd she say?"
i love the abruptness of the what'd on her tongue. she breathes an h and touches the tip of a t and swirls down into a d before she takes a breath, a soft, halting thing because she really wants to know the answer. "it wasn't her fault, i guess."
abi's silent for a little while. i ask her why.
"i like your voice. i like how you sound when you talk to me. i've heard you talk to mer and you don't sound like that."
she's silent for a moment.
"like you want to hear my voice back. like you're scared i won't answer."
it feels like i'm drifting. she heard what i heard too. she knows how i feel. she wants me to answer. and i want her to be happy.
so i answer, and i make my voice soft for her. i think of abi and all i feel are crackling bonfires and braids brushing my lap and her black skin and my brown skin. i want to her to feel what i feel when i think of her. i want abi to know about the dates we'll have and the places we'll go and the places i'll kiss her and the way i love her.
because i do, and before i know it i've whispered it and i hope i've gotten away with it because holy shit no no no i can't believe i said that i must seem so clingy or insane. she laughs and for a second i think i might die. but just when the world starts to spin away i hear her voice.
"i love you too. way too much, actually." and i swear, in abi's voice i can see cathedrals and paintings, fractals of light and golden, golden church bells.
"why?" i can't help it.
"because you're pretty. and i like your voice and the gold on your eyes and everything about how you listen to me and care. i've been abandoned by so many fucking people in my life and you care so much about not abandoning me."
i can't breathe anymore.
abi hesitates. "and why do you love me?"
it's a moment before i get my voice back, and when i do it's dripping silver raindrops. "because someone hurt me the worst way a person can be hurt, and for so long i felt like my body was his and i was broken and i'd have a hole in my heart (and below) forever and you found a way to make myself real again."
i can feel her smile through the phone. "you were never fake."
abi is made of cathedrals and bonfires and home. safe, safe home.
this is tru account of a pretty ass girl and a phone conversation i had with her