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Nocturnal

United States

Hello! I try to be interesting. My age is always changing for the worse so I won't include it. I love reading and writing, pretty much everything but fantasy (mainly fairies). I have a blog about writing: https://jaciknight.blogspot.com/

To Keep A Friend

August 15, 2018

  As I look down at her small, emanciated body, and I can't help but let hot tears leak out. This is just like last time, and the time before that. This isn't normal, is it? This doesn't happen to everyone, does it? She starts to move, but it's not really her. It's another seizure. She doesn't make a sound and I'm greatful for that, but it's too much and I have to leave. I have to get out and away from this, this hopeless, painful mess. 

  Once outside the door, my mind runs wild. Six years ago, a small furry body nestled in my lap, also too small, to skinny, too many seizures. The kitten, my kitten, who I hoped would die soon. That sounds so cruel, and I wince at the thought, but it's true. It's inevitable that he'd die, and I only wanted it to be soon. I remember, I took a break for five minutes to eat something and when I came back... The second I came back to him he took his last breath. Almost like he was waiting for me. It hurt, to see him go, but I knew he was happier now. I was in such a tangled mess of pain and relief and guilt, I couldn't really grasp that he was gone but I also felt deep down that I'd already said goodbye. That I'd already given up. I hate saying that, but it's true. 

  Then there was Grandma. She twiched in her sleep, she said things that made no sense. That was the same too. The twitching, the unescapeable truth of it all hitting you like a punch in the gut, wanting to help but there's nothing you can do. Nothing in the world. They're too far gone for comfort; can they even hear me? I held her hand tightly as though I could hold her tight enough that she'd stay. I talked to her about everything, even things I told nobody else, and I tried not to cry because one of the last things she said was to stop looking so sad. But still... How could I not, with the end so near, so unavoidable? 

  Now it's happening again. I dig my nails into my palm, biting my lip. I can't do this again. I can't sit by and watch another friend die! But what can I do? I draw in another shaky breath, then go back into the room. I look through the glass, and she's looking back at me. I smile a little and run my finger down the clear barrior between us, and she closes her eyes. Such a sweet little baby... 

  A few days later, and her results come in. It's an infection. She might get better, but she might also never be able to eat by herself again. Never be normal again. I've been feeding her every day, but is that any life? Would she want to always rely on me to force food into her mouth, to maybe have a seizure half the time she moves? It all feels so hopeless. Why even try? Is it better to have her put down, to not prolong her suffering? Can there really be hope, after that's happened? 

  Another week goes by. The decision is made. I can't help but have doubts, but this is right. It has to be right. I'm not giving up on her; whatever it takes, I'm not losing another friend. Maybe it's selfish, but isn't not giving her a fair chance at life also selfish? Anything besides letting her make the choice is selfish. But she can't  make the choice. I just have to hope my choice is right. 

  By the time two more weeks go by, I'm crying again. I'm crying because I'm so happy, she might actually recover. She's eating, still with help, but with her previous sass. She's walking normal, she tries to explore again, she has her sweet yet pushy personality back. I made the right choice, and I was able to save her this time. I couldn't help the others, I could only hope they weren't in pain... But now, even if to some this would seem to be no big deal, I've saved her. It may have cost less time and money to just let her go, but this is the reason I don't stop trying. Sunny, my bearded dragon, who is my victory. Who helped me conquer my own fears, who taught me to never give up on someone. 

  Who proved that some things are worth fighting for, no matter how hopeless or what has happened in the past. 

  Keep Fighting. 
  

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