hi there! i'm sarah — chaser of sun/starlight, portrait photographer, junior & training in classical piano. words are my everything.
Writing this was incredibly painful for me. I have left out many details, many heartbreaking conflicts and relationships torn apart, many food fears and behaviors. I left out the funny moments in recovery, too (yes, they do exist!) There are a few reasons for this: firstly, eating disorders do not look or always act a certain way and I'm not about to contribute to a mold for others to fit into. Secondly, describing my old behaviors is far too painful and triggering at this time for me, and it can be extremely triggering for others (I developed many of my fears when reading about others'). Thirdly, I’m learning to let go of trying to prove how sick I was to others and just move on. And lastly -- I quite honestly got tired of typing (and seeing) the word "screamed" from the conflicts I had with those trying to keep me alive.
This is all to show you that recovery encompasses so much more than "just eating". It is truly, painfully setting yourself free from the thing that has kept you 'safe' for so long. It hurts and it feels contradictory and confusing and sometimes infuriating. But it is worth it.
*** note on title: weight = the force of gravity on your body. Nothing more <3
Written By: sarah leying
August 8, 2018