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Writing is all I can do to keep from going insane. I still haven't figured the universe out but I'm trying one word at a time.

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“Creativity is intelligence having fun.” -Albert Einstein

Never Been Kissed-Updated

July 13, 2018


I’m a college freshman that has never kissed anybody. I’m okay with that, at least, I’m okay with that when I think about it logically. I am okay with it when I think about how I’ve only ever liked three boys. I am okay with it when I realize that I wouldn’t be happy about having kissed two of the three. I am okay with it when I think over the fact that the one I'd truly like to kiss isn’t even ready to hold anybody’s hand yet. I’m okay with it when I think of all the other boys I’ve known and how even the ones I’d consider kissing are more of “what if’s” then boys that I actually like enough to share something that personal with.
    I’m a college freshman that has never kissed anybody. I’m not okay with that, at least, when I think about it emotionally. Because somewhere in the middle of my sixteenth year my lips at times would feel so unbearably lonely. I would see couples and my heart would ache and I’d begin to imagine. I’d imagine what it would be like to kiss somebody. I would come up with a million scenarios in my head where I could end up kissing any boy that I could possibly be slightly interested in. I would have dreams where I kissed boys I knew and boys that didn’t even exist. And it always felt so real… until I woke up.
    But when I was put to the test and given a boy that I could actually have a chance with, I panicked. I put up walls. I did all I could to avoid having his lips come in contact with mine and I end up with his lips on my cheek. My heart wanted more; My brain wanted less. The battle as old as humans themselves tore me apart. I was turned against myself so I turned myself away from the boy. When he was gone I was filled with regret and I was filled with relief. At the time, I couldn’t tell which I felt stronger. Now I know that I am relieved.
    I am eighteen and I’ve never kissed anybody. I will soon be nineteen and still have lonely lips. Sometimes I think I should just kiss somebody, just because I can. Most of the time I remind myself that I want it to be special. So I’ll wait. I’ll wait for a boy that I can share that with and have no regrets, even if it means that I’m twenty or older before I reach that milestone.
    I’m a college freshman that has never kissed anybody and I think I’m okay with that.     


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1 Comment
  • Shanti

    This was tremendously relatable. I'm an eighteen year old college freshman (though we're called university first years in New Zealand), and I have never kissed or been kissed, and I'm okay with it but I won't be for long. Anyway, reading this made me feel, as they say on the internet, seen, so thank you for that!

    over 2 years ago