Peer Review by averageteenwriter (United States)

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Heiress

By: Maliajoelle


FREE WRITING

December 5th was the day of the funeral. It was raining outside like a typical sad funeral in a movie. Edith hated the rain, she hated this day, she hated everything in that moment. Her skirt dragged in the mud and grass, but she didn’t notice nor care. Each person she sauntered by gave her a doleful look, which she chose to ignore. She wanted this day to be over so she could curl up in a ball and forget about the whole thing.  As she approached the tomb she watched as some men gracefully put the shroud on top of it.

The eulogies went quickly. No one expected her to speak about her late father. She wasn’t prepared for this. No one was. A choir walked by singing a dirge to commemorate her father’s death.  As people listened, Edith’s eyes wandered around the group of people. Most of the people she had never seen before. And if she had, she only had met them once or twice at a dinner party. Some of the people were looking at Edith instead of the chorus singers. She could see the solace in their eyes. They felt bad for her, of course. But they had no idea how much her father meant to her.

A shiver went down Edith spine as her great aunt wrapped her arm around Edith’s shoulder. Aunt Elizabeth was her only living relative left.  And she loathed the woman.

Benjamin came running down the hill to the burial, flowers in hand. Benjamin was Edith’s old boyfriend. He was inconsiderate and selfish when they were in a relationship.  He slowed down as he approached the group of people. Edith watched him and narrowed her eyes, before turning her head back to the singers. He walked over to her and stood next to her till the singers were done. The funeral was over and Edith could go home and finally be alone.

As she turned, her arm was grabbed and pulled. “Edith, wait.”

She stopped and turned to Benjamin, “What? What could you possibly have to say to me?” She yelled angrily.

He let go of her arm and tried giving her the bouquet of flowers.  “I- I wanted to amend our relationship. I still like you Edith.” Edith could see he was genuine. Kind of.

Now that Edith’s father was dead she was the heir to all of his money. What could be better than to marry an heiress of millions of dollars?

Edith sighed and looked into Benjamin’s eyes. She waited a moment, then laughed and walked away.


Peer Review

I especially loved the line "And she loathed the woman". It was a great concise sentence with a ton of impact.


I'm definitely interested as to what happens after, but primarily I have feelings of confusion as to the credibility of Edith , as normally one would assume a heiress (at least to me) to be refined and well-taught morally and educationally, in order to continue the family line and make good connections or to handle the business themselves.


What were your biggest challenges in finishing this?


Reviewer Comments

Sorry if I came off as a little bit harsh, so here's some positive feedback to even things out: You have an instinctive knack, for the most part, of how to hook readers and keep the story going smoothly without a ton of discrepancies. The story is fairly well fleshed-out , and I do understand the main character's personality at least a little bit through your writing. Had a lot of fun reading this!