Peer Review by Hallie3364 (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


Ready When You Are

By: JadeAndSerpentine


FREE WRITING

The ship spirals through the stars. In one moment, the floor is below us, in the next, it is above. The escape pod is thousands of miles away by now. I'm so glad my little sister made it on. I know she has a joyous life ahead of her. Tanya gave up her spot for a stranger. Her face is stony as she opens the hatch on the ship's side. She reaches for my hand. I fight back tears and try to smile. I'm not afraid anymore. I will never be afraid again. 

"Ready when you are, Briya," she says, and we jump.

*****

The woman nudges us forward gently. "See you on the other side," she whispers with a smile.

For me and Shay, this is a new beginning, filled with opportunity. Opportunity my sister, Briya, never had. Tears fill my eyes and I let them spill onto my cheeks. Shay smiles at me encouragingly, but I'm sure she's thinking about my sister's friend, who shoved her into the last seat of the pod before Shay could protest. I give her hand a squeeze.

"Ready when you are," I say, and we let ourselves fall.


Message to Readers

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."---Mitch Albom

So... I don't really know what this is, but I do know it's bad. I guess I just felt like writing something dark.


Peer Review

For, me the opening line. Its concise yet elegant and it hooks the reader right away!


Longing! This piece, despite the size, introduces obviously complex characters and a setting that I'm quite curious to explore.


Because of the scenes abrupt starting point, it leaves the reader with a lot of questions, but I personally would really like to know the context of the scene. Where are these peoples leaving? Why are they leaving? Why isn't there enough pods for these people? What made Briya and Tanya decide to sacrifice themselves?


Reviewer Comments

I truly believe that this piece has the potential to be something amazing, if you took the time to expand and brain storm off of it. Please continue doing amazing work!