camlily

United States

hi there

Message to Readers

I don't write short stories often, so feedback is really really appreciated!! This was supposed to represent a dystopian world, where beauty is valued above anything else. Did I achieve this? Again, thank you all so so much <3 :)

Grey

April 17, 2018

FREE WRITING

13
 I stare at myself in the mirror, admiring the perfection my parents created. My huge eyes, full lips, and long, flowing brown hair were some of their most proud achievements.  My appearance was the perfect combination of both my mother and father, which made it all the more realistic and believable.  
 I then brush a small amount of mascara onto my eyelashes, taking care to apply it flawlessly.  Since today's a working day, I tie my hair into a messy bun.  I slide an extra hairband on my wrist and walk back into my bedroom.
 An array of stuffed animals sits on my bed, a reminder of my childhood and the innocence I once had.  I turn to my dresser and decide to wear a blue crop top and ripped jeans as my outfit for the day.  
 "Alyysa," my mother yells from downstairs.  Every day, like clockwork, she calls me down for breakfast to make sure I'm not using my time unwisely.  I don't mind, but it leaves me with no free time.  Breakfast today, judging by the smells wafting up the stairs, is a casserole with sausage and cheese. Delicious.  
 I hop down the stairs and am met with my father. "Good morning, beautiful," he says, reaching for my cheek. "Did you moisturize today?"
 My eyes avert his.  "No, daddy," I say. "I forgot."
 His mouth turns into a frown.  If it weren't so bad for my skin, I know that he would have slapped me. "How disappointing," he says, and walks away into his office.  
 I sigh and walk into the dining room, where my breakfast awaits me.  My mother sits at the head of the dining table and smiles as I enter.  "Hello, darling," she greets me. "How are you?" 
 "I'm fine," I say, even though I'm still shaken by the encounter with my father. "How are you?"
 My mother tilts her head up, and I notice hideous black circles underneath her eyes.  "Tired, honey.  I love you." 
 Immediately, I sense that something's off.  My parents aren't people who outwardly express their adoration.  "Mommy, is something wrong?" 
 She smiles again, although this time it looks more forced.  "Nothing is wrong, sweetie.  Now, eat," she replies.  
 My father walks into the room, an air of confidence radiating off of him like fire.  My mother and I instinctively shrink back under his glare, waiting for him to strike.  
 Suddenly, he stops.  Stares.  I follow his gaze to my mother's head, where he points a finger with another angry frown. These days, it seems like  the only emotion he feels is anger.  But, from where I'm sitting, I don't see anything wrong with my mother's head.  
"Get. Out. Of my house." My father says in short, forced breaths.  Confused, I stand up and try to look at where my father's pointing, but he harshly shoves me away.  
  A look of fear sits on my mother's face as her husband plucks from her head a single strand of hair.  I gasp as I see the identity of the offending object, scared for my family's future. Because this one thing could result in our death, or even banishment from society.
  
It's a gray hair.
   
I don't write short stories often, so feedback is really really appreciated!!  This was supposed to represent a dystopian world, where beauty is valued above anything else.  Did I achieve this?  Again, thank you all so so much <3 :)

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  • April 17, 2018 - 3:23pm (Now Viewing)

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8 Comments
  • camlily

    I'm confuzzled


    almost 2 years ago
  • CreativeAngel

    I really hate and love you like you’re so much better at writing than me and than you’re too kind and a sweetheart I can’t even despise you limeAAghahgh


    almost 2 years ago
  • rainandsonder

    Very well done!


    over 2 years ago
  • Kati

    Are you thinking of writing a longer story based off this? I really like it!


    over 2 years ago
  • Luna Lemon

    Wow! Great piece! I feel like this is a great short story and even a great beginning of a novel. And you did achieve the dystopian world VERY well. I loved the description as well. Keep writing:)

    Btw if you didn't see on my other comment on The Recital, I would love if that piece was on the blog:)


    over 2 years ago
  • camlily

    Thank you so so much <3


    over 2 years ago
  • Changing Accounts

    I love it! Also, thank you so so much for all the feedback <3 You have my complete permission to post my work :)


    over 2 years ago
  • Changing Accounts

    I love it! Also, thank you so so much for all the feedback <3 You have my complete permission to post my work :)


    over 2 years ago