Peer Review by SomeFormOfWriting (United States)

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A Child's Imagination

By: Serendipity

Huge ivory waves come to a gentle descent, 
The plush surface cushioning them as they wisp away
Suddenly, tunnels create convex curves in the large silk ocean
Until they reach the distant edges
A young, smiling face appears from the tunnels' exit
Squeals of joy fill the air as she is scooped up 
Deposited onto the soft bank of the ocean
Where warm hands are waiting for her arrival
Her parents cuddle her as she wakes them up,
the bed sheet ripples come to a stop as her activity diminishes
The waves do not seem so daunting when she is with them

Vines of viridian and emerald obstruct the view
The brush thickens as he enters the epicentre of the jungle
Large wooden structures crafted by an ancient civilisation meet them
They seem almost impenetrable - scaling them seems an arduous task
But the intrepid explorer manages it 
His golden reward awaiting him patiently at the top
The sweet scent of sugary clusters with psychedelic colours
Dying the white liquid with symmetrical neon mandalas
The hungry adventurer eagerly dipping his hands into the bowl
Allowing the contents to coat his throat and fill his stomach
After some unimpressed looks from his parents, he waits
They simply towel up the milk and cereal he has splattered
All over the cement coloured tiles 
He is picked up and put gently back on the ground
Smiling he runs off to find another adventure awaiting him

Sweat beads on her forehead
She flashes a weak smile as he seeks reassurance 
Can they escape? 
He holds out his hand for her to grab onto 
But alas! She slips down, her fiery doom awaiting her
The floor curdles and caves as it comes to life
Magma is spewed everywhere, only a vestige left of
The wooden coffee table
In a desperate attempt, he hurls a small soft cushion
To land under her - she lands on it and quickly escapes
They both slump into the leather couch
And their bare skin sticks to it as the sweat acts as an adhesive
For the heat to harden
Neither seems discontent though,
The television screen illuminates as their cartoon heroes appear
And happily, they sit to see the adventures they endure
Forgetting their own in a heartbeat

The uncharted depths is too tempting
Donning some bathers and a snorkel, he enters
The cool crystal liquid seeps into his skin
Invigorating and tantalizing his senses 
All seems quiet down below until a shadow interrupts 
Spinning quickly, he catches a glimpse of the culprit
A strikingly foreign species - he grasps toward it
Yet is disheartened when water is all that remains in his palm
Brushing away the feeling, he chases after the item
And it appears in his hands
A sud soap-fish, of the lavender 'Imperial Leather' variety
Satisfied with his catch, he heads home utterly exhausted
He pops his head out of the bathtub to see his mother
Shaking her head, rolling her eyes
She asks for an explanation and is given a soap bar in response
He removes the snorkel and steps out of the bathtub
She is perplexed by his choice of pyjama pants as bathers,
but continues to bundle him in a soft white towel 
He feels content as she hugs him, keeping him safe
Only he knows what is lurking in the depths of the 
oceans of the mind...

She crawls into her bed and pulls up the cover
A book lays on the foot of her bed waiting to be read
'The one with the frog on the front - yes, that's the one'
She calls out for her mother and father
But her calls echo out in the hallways with no response
A peculiar feeling sweeps across her mind
She calls out for her dependable brother
He will surely come, she thinks
But he is nowhere to be found 
Her face squishes up with anxiety
Despite telling herself to just not worry, 
Voices in her head say otherwise
And she is left to realise that the imagination she once cherished
Now was mocking her for her gullibility and ignorance
And all the adventures were coming back to her now
Not as amazing journeys to the corners of the Earth,
but rather puerile activities that embarrassed
She is left with one thought as she fossilizes into her bed
'What a silly child's imagination - 
Even with everything around her gone, 
She still takes the lives of those around her for granted!'


Peer Review

It felt a little disconnected, maybe? But I am left thinking about my own childhood: Had I had adventures such as these? My answer now is "no," but perhaps they seemed like such grand adventures back then.

Hm... I don't know, honestly. I put some suggestions for general things that could be improved about the progression of the poem, but as for language, I think you did a great job with the word choice and sentence structure; although I think using more metaphors/similes would be really fun.

"And she is left to realise that the imagination she once cherished
Now was mocking her for her gullibility and ignorance"

I feel like it really shows the loss of childhood innocence and is where the shift in tone of the poem begins. I also highlighted a few other lines I really enjoyed.

Your vocabulary and word choice is incredible. Keep it up!

Reviewer Comments

It's super cool how you put the reality at the bottom of the child's imagination. I love how the reader can slowly but surely figure out the event being described. I thought it would be neat, though, to continue to progress the same story -- the same childhood, so that the reader could see the innocence of childhood slowly fading away. Also, make sure to keep use of commas at the ends of lines consistent (either always use them where there should be a comma, or never use them. I hope this makes sense >_