*flapflap*

davegreen

Singapore

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, I am afraid to disappoint, but my writing is atrocious

Message to Readers

chapter lost randomly in this seriously messed up collation of memories, ideas, reflections, regrets and loves amongst other things. there is some swearing later on so please watch out if you're not big on that. replace it with fluff or gah for example. I hope you enjoy it :-) dftba -and if you're a nerdfighter HAHA HAPPY PIZZAMAS, if not heyo!

what it would have been like if this was a book about love.

November 11, 2015

A rhythmic "badumbadum" had been drummed into my head, matched with a shot of adrenaline as I galloped up the stairs, taking them three steps at a go. The nerves kicked in, as usual, after hair and make-up and a mandatory chat with Molly, who was responsible for my two lovely brownie-scouts-girl plaits. I looked pretty young for 13, but now I could easily pass for a free kids meal at any restaurant. 

The emergency staircase opens conveniently two steps away from my shared dressing room with James, who was my age. I wasn't exactly pleased that I had to share my room with a guy, but he was my age and he had similar thoughts, so he changed in the ensuite bathroom whilst I changed in the dressing room itself. 15 shows in and now we just don't care. Turn our backs and it's fine.  

Opening the door cautiously (the last time the little rascal jump scared me), I poke my head in before ascertaining that my heart rate was not gonna spike even more. James, oddly, had already changed into his costume, a smart white shirt and grey shorts made of a starchy uniform material. Pacing the room he swept his hair backs with his fingers, raven chinks curling around them. He looked Six and adorable and rather frustrated for some reason. Resisting the temptation to piss him off further by pinching his cheeks, I walked past to the clothes rack and changed into my grey dress and black ballet flat, trying not to get the velcro from the mic pack stuck to anything again - I got my hair stuck and that was disastrous *shudder*. 

James was still on the phone, gesturing with his hands to back up his arguement, whatever it was. Shame the other person couldn't see, he looked like a freaking leprechaun. An angry cute one in black and white instead of green. 

"Who's that?" I mimed and he swatted the question away.
Huh. Definitely strange.

I smirked and James caught the glint of pure evil in my eye, and I caught the frustration turned "oh please don't no no no nnonono" as I attacked him and pried hs phone from his hands. The person on the other line was still pitching his arguement, oblivious of the scuffle on the other end. 

Placing the phone to my ear, I managed to catch the last part:
"NO I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU. I swear to god if I have to repeat what I just said..."

Whoops, sorry James.

"UGHUh, stop asking! I am going to kill Marc but I am not going to tell you any more about what happened. If you wanna know so bad, why don't YOU ask HER, YOURSELF. She's right next to you! "

I'd recognise that voice anywhere. 

"James what the heck are you pestering Zack about, which involves me? " 

James was speechless. I put the phone on the table, tapping speaker so the silence was broken by Zack's questioning hellos. 

"I... uh... uhm..." James' vocabularly reduced to noises, barely even words aside from "I'", which is barely a word if you ask me. My left eyebrow remained raised as I leaned back. Zack, mistaking James' reduced vocabulary as a signal of defeat, whooped. 

"Zack, uhm, Zack." James was drowned out by Zack's celebration.

"OI ZACK." 

"WHAT?!"

"She's here."

"Oh. Oh shit. Kay. Bye."

"NO YOU DON'T, DON'T YOU DARE ZACK CASTAIR ISAH! WHAT DID JAMES CALL YOU ABOUT? "

"Hi Alexa, uhm, well long time no see... how you doin?"

"Zack, I saw you two days ago at the after show party when you turned up to see James."

"Oh... right..."

"ANSWER THE QUESTION DUDE!!! What's he bugging you for?"

"Uhm. Uh. Well, you know Marc, right?"

"Yeah, his sister's the one who told me you..."

"Yeah that one."

He did not.
He cut me off!
Rude.

James sniggered in the background. I turned speaker mode off and ignoring James' protests, continued the converstation "privately". 

"Yeah... We were at a sleepover and you know truth-or-dare and then I didn't wanna say so Marc said that... He told them about.. about us."

Oh. 
Oh that.

Zack contiuned, stuttering and sounding incredibly awkward, never a good sign, "Remember... remember uhm... when I.. when I said... uhm, you know at the party, that I... that I liked you?"

Oh my god.
"'What?"

"I.. said I loved you." 

He did?
"No you didn't"

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't"

"Yes I did"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yeap"

"YOU DID?" 

Silence. Piercing silence and John's eyebrow is the one hovering now. The drums striking faster now, racing, making me breathless.

I can't seem to find my voice and when I do, it's so very soft. 

"You should've said it louder."

My heart echoing painfully, almost overpowering the delicate whisper from my lips.
He should've said it louder.

"Why?" Zack sounded pained, ready to take offence.

I swallowed and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath.

"Because I didn't hear you."

Those words carry and reverberate in the silence, despite the barely audible-ness of it. I wanted to slap my head into a wall. God.

I loved him.
And he loved me.

He loved me. 
And I couldn't hear him because... because..

GOD! I didn't hear him because of something so stupid and trivial and insignificant that I couldn't hear him tell me? Couldn't hear him reflect my feelings for him? 

A dense fog swathed me in emotions, overpowering me as I overflowed with having to forget him and moving on and now he's here, saying he told me.
HE FUCKING TOLD ME AND I COULDN'T HEAR.

"I'm sorry." I say, lost for, everything. I feel empty and far away, distant from this conversation and leaving behind a shell.

"Me too."

I cast my eyes down. Regret.

"Do you... Do you still have the blue bracelet I got for you?" Zack questions, tender and gentle and warm.

"The one you got me for Christmas that you said your sister got for me?"

"I said that?" 

"Yup. Figured you were too embarrassed about me finding out from Marc' s sister about... what you felt."

"Yeah God that was awkward... and expensive... cost me my entire savings..." Zack joked.

"IT DID?! ZACK, you shouldn't have. Dude! " I scolded.

He laughed.

"Well so did that bookmark so we're even!"

I let the nostalgia snuggle in, settling as I recall a raven haired girl in black shorts and a Converse tee chasing a boy with chestnut hair and white school sneakers, threatening to knock him out with a water bottle of all things.

My chest pained a bit, and I had this feeling which could only be illustrated by sinking in te abyss of the deep dark blue sea, too heavy to float and and no way of rising back to the top. It had been rising up more and more often lately, but I shrugged it off. 

"Do you.. still have it?"

Zack's question catches me unaware and I reply with a "what?" before I can register his question, snapping out of the haze.

"The bracelet."

Remembering it still nestled in my cupcake bracelet box, reserved only for special ones which people gave me and mean something special, I say yes. If there is one thing I could save from a fire, seeing that my pet Maletese and three terrapins are considered family and not things, it would be the bracelet. 

I coudn't live without it.

"Good. I guess, I'll see you around then?"

"Yeah."

"Bye."

"Bye."

James is finishing up an essay due for school the next day when I return the phone, thanking him. His eyes beg me for answers but I just shake my head. Before he can attempt to ask me anything, the five minutes before show call is made and I head down to the wings and get into character. 

The ten year old I play has a ton of issues, but that's later on in the play. Now, I have to be carefree and chase James on stage and forget about all of my problems. I need to be the raven haired girl chasing the boy with a water bottle.

By the time I go onstage, my heart is beating faster than ever.

So much for making sure my heart rate doesn't spike. 


 
chapter lost randomly in this seriously messed up collation of memories, ideas, reflections, regrets and loves amongst other things. I hope you enjoy it :-) dftba -and if you're a nerdfighter HAHA HAPPY PIZZAMAS, if not heyo!
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