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vivi1968

United States

Message to Readers

This is a mixed up unstructured mess of things I've felt and things I imagined feeling. Think of it as it makes sense to you

What They Never Told Me

November 16, 2015


 People are kind of funny. They choose to believe and trust in, and justify their choices entirely upon the belief that something might exist. But, yet they still can’t seem to manage to qa things that people have proven and seen. People will create little boxes that hold the world within them, and those same people can’t see another as a person because of who they are. Frankly it always puzzled me, how a being so wonderful, could be as cruel as they are, without batting an eye. 
Here I seem like a pessimist, the one to tell a toddler that their dream won’t come true. But I’m not or I wasn’t. I used to be able to see the things wrong with the world, but it didn’t bother me, maybe because I was innocent or sheltered, maybe the world hadn’t given me reason enough to hate it yet. Now I see a reason, when days seem to have everything go wrong or when just how cruel simple existence is. 
        I loved life so much, but then I didn’t. It wasn’t a slow churning inside me until no longer I liked this life of mine. It came in a bursting epiphany, that everyone I was around was horrid, simply horrid. And it broke my heart, more than anyone ever could of. I can’t make you see it, but it was like that moment before you fall, suddenly you reach out of oblivion and give in to gravity. But I fell off of waterfalls and there was no going back. 
No one had realized that my world had fallen apart and now I was looking for the pieces. It made me feel like the sole victim in a hate crime against my happiness.
I felt it, but I couldn't let anyone else see it, so I hid it. Under sugary smiles, just a little too sweet, and living the life of another in words. No one noticed, but I didn't either. And so you think that you know how I'm feeling, maybe you do. But swallowing salt water is not the same as having a wave take down until it thrashes you down until you can't find the right way up. I guarantee that you've felt how I do, but I had all of them at once and they never receded. 
I've fallen into happiness, but it never seems to last
With the whole happy period I was used to being let down, my standard of what life had to bring was just too high. Since then everytime I've been disappointed further than I thought possible, they dropped just a smudge. At this point in my living career, they are pretty low. 
There always seems to be culprit to the death of my standards, one what is physically possible based upon the rules of the universe, and two people. People are just despicable. They tell you what you want to hear and cut you apart behind your back. They are selfish and shallow and unbelievably daft. They see what they want to see, they hear what they want to. They turn a insufferable blind eye to things that are blantely wrong, simply because it doesn’t affect them. Them. Them. Them. All be it I’m no saint, no matter how holier than thou I currently sound. But, I did have the decency to realize that there’s an issue with humans, and I am definitely no exception. 
I just have a problem with that. The fact that I’m gonna have to live in a world where I can’t control the injustices that are all around me, is something I might not be able to cope with. The overwhelming amount of pure hate and prejudice that surrounds everyone is something I can’t comprehend.  Worse, few seem to care or notice enough to actually do something about it. So knowing that I’ll live without being majorly impact it, and that I’ll just have to deal with the prejudices that applies to me for the next 65 years, isn’t exactly motivational. Life always seemed like such a great thing to get a long time to have, but the more I know the less sure I am that it is worth it. 
So, now I’m here. Laying on my bedroom floor crying with a blanket over my head while trying to think of a reason to. Trying to think of a reason for myself that’s more than wishful thinking and a gooey daydream with low chances of happening based on my current status and personality, is like trying to make a rainbow without sun, pointless and depressing. 
Now I stand at a crossroad. Which choice do I make do I give up and give in based on how I feel now, or do I keep going in hopes of feeling like how I once did. Would you live for the past, while wishing for a daydream to come true, or fall into desolation with no hope of coming back? 
One moment holds my everything within itself. I can tell my time is running out, either I choose or I become a ghost with nothing to say or give. Choosing passes me, and I fall into beyondness. No regret, no hesitation.

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  • November 16, 2015 - 9:56pm (Now Viewing)

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