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beginning writer, any feedback is great!!

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any feedback is greatly appreciated, just trying to be a better writer!!

Elemental (Part 1)

February 21, 2018



     Daelynn ran. She’d never run like this before. Every step. Every breath. Her heart pounding. Never wanting to turn around. Hours had gone by, but something inside told her she couldn’t stop. They had trained her well, to give her the endurance she needed to keep on running.
     A Zaxe stood in front of her, blocking her path. These were her sworn enemies. Coming to a complete halt, Daelynn raised out a sword. This sword wasn’t your usual sword. Not only was it glimmering blue, but the whole thing was made completely out of water. It wouldn’t matter to Daelynn, in fact, it would work just fine. Drawing on all her strength, Daelynn thrust the sword down into the Zaxe’s chest before he could draw his laser gun on her. This was easy.
     Daelynn kept on running, knowing that when there was one Zaxe, there was bound to be many more. If only she could make it to a body of water, she could make it back to reality.
     Finally, out of the corner of her eye, Daelynn spotted a lake. The glimmering surface shone in front of her, the sun’s rays reflecting off the brilliant blue water. It was a possibility, a hope. An opportunity to succeed. Without a moment’s hesitation, Daelynn held out her hand, willing a bridge of water to rise up before her. At first sight, you wouldn’t believe the bridge would hold you, but again, nothing Daelynn ever did was less than the best.
     Her low, black ankle boots stepped delicately onto the bridge. Flipping her short, blue hair over her shoulder, she turned to her pursuers and smiled. They had been closer to her then she had thought, but that was ok. She had made it.
    “So long, amigos.”
    And with one touch of her hand to the seemingly delicate bridge, the world spun and she was gone.
     Reappearing in a dark gray room, Daelynn heard a low male voice shout something at her.
     “Great job. That was the best you’ve ever done in a training simulation. You’re ready for the real thing.”
     Panting, Daelynn leaned over and smiled a determined smile. Embry, Amara, and Asha all clapped loudly. They were finally all ready.
     Daelynn confidently strode into the dull lunchroom of Aquarius High School, even though she was silently freaking out. How could her family do this to her? Tell her she had the power to control water, then turn the table on her and take her to a new dimension?
     Gripping her salad bowl with white knuckles, Daelynn slid into an empty seat, trying to avoid people. Everyone was looking at her and whispering, and she felt like this was a bad thing. She wanted to cry.
     Eyes watering, Daelynn ran to the bathroom. The whole thing was so weird and new. It had happened on her 16th birthday; this water thing. Her parents had taken her aside, explained her power. Daelynn hadn’t known what to say, and then they moved, here. The move was so unexpected, and strange. They had had to travel across dimensions to get to this world. She wasn’t even sure what the name of this planet was. Worse, they had given her no choice of school or where to live. She was expected to blend in with all these freaks at this new place that looked more like fish than actual people. But how could she when all they ever did was whisper about her?
    Daelynn collected herself, ready to face the world again. Sitting down once more, she was surprised to see a young girl about her age sitting in front of her. For once, someone wasn’t whispering about her.
     “Hi, I’m Tori,” the girl said. She was short, with dark blue, wavy hair. Tori was wearing a black jean jacket, a blue shirt, and black leggings. Daelynn couldn’t help but notice how much style people seemed to have here, even though most people’s wardrobes seemed to consist of mostly blue things. Finally, Daelynn sullenly replied with, “I’m Daelynn.”
     “So, what’s your power?” Tori asked. Daelynn wasn’t expecting to be asked this question and was a little surprised by Tori’s bluntness.
     “I don’t really know, and haven’t you figured it out from everyone’s whispering? I can, like, control water or something like that.” Daelynn said, playing with her salad, a little embarrassed that she was being questioned about something she didn’t know.
     Tori looked surprised, and then asked, “Wait, are you the Daelynn, like the one for which this school was founded?”
     “So there are four main elements, right? Water, fire, air, and earth, you know, the usual. There are four worlds in our dimension, one for each element. Each of those schools has been waiting for the one, one who can completely control the element of the planet. That planet refers to them as ‘the element’. This way, we have a chance of waging war on the Zaxes, our sworn enemies.”
     “Whoa, whoa, whoa. So I’m the one who can completely control the element of water?” Daelynn questioned. So that’s what they had been whispering about! That wasn’t bad at all, so things might be looking up for her after all.
     “Yeah, why don’t we try out your power?” Tori suggested.
     Daelynn complied, and on the way to the bathroom where she had been just a few minutes before, began to think about all this. She was practically famous! She could save this planet! She still didn’t understand the logistics of how this all worked, but she could probably talk to her parents after school.
     Daelynn and Tori finally reached the bathroom. Daelynn wondered exactly what Tori would do to test her power.
    “Here, make this into, I don’t know, a cup,” Tori said, turning the sink faucet on.
    “Well, ok, here goes nothing.” Daelynn felt herself pulling the water to her, transforming it in her mind. Concentrating, she finalized the image in her head, and in her hand, lay a beautiful cup, still made out of water, but able to hold liquid. It was amazing, and even Daelynn was impressed by her own powers.
     “Oh my gosh! You did it!” Tori exclaimed. “Now fill it up with water.”
     Daelynn did, holding out the delicate little cup under the gentle stream coming from the faucet. As she had thought, it held and she took a drink.
     All of a sudden, the bell rang, scaring Daelynn so she lost her control of the cup for a second. It splattered all over, leaving the floor of the bathroom a mess. Tori looked at her and smiled, knowing what she could do.
     Daelynn understood and pulled the cup back into existence, then released it gently into the bathroom sink. She had no clue how she was able to do this, but it was weird.
     “Dang, girl, I can tell you’re the one. No one else at this school is named Daelynn, nor do they have powers like yours. Most of our powers are lame stuff like moving water through the air, blasting it, things like that. No one can create things with it. It’s pretty obvious you’re our element,” Tori said, grinning as she gave Daelynn a hug.
     The two-minute bell rang, and Daelynn flinched. “Geez, it keeps on scaring me! I have ocean biology next in room 722, where’s that?”
     “If you go straight down the hall and to the left, you’ll see it. See you! Maybe we can hang out tonight!”
     “Yeah, bye!” Daelynn said, unsure of tackling the rest of the day by herself. She headed down the hallway, trying to ignore the water splashing all around her. This definitely wasn’t like the high school she came from, but then again, this was an alternate dimension.
     Daelynn absentmindedly started thinking about her next class, ocean biology, and what she would learn about. Before she knew it, she was enclosed in a capsule of water, her mind creating with water whatever she was thinking. Staring at the “ocean” her mind had conjured complete with animals, coral, and everything, everyone had become silent around her. Daelynn didn’t realize, however that you could hear a pin drop and she was actually attracting attention while trying to fit in with everyone. The principal came rushing out of the office, along with just about every other teacher in the building.
     “Daelynn Elizabeth Maconochie!” the professor of ocean biology yelled. “Get in class and stop all this right now!”
     “Wait, wait. Let me talk to her for a second,” Principal Hopkins said, trying to calm down the raging teacher.
     Daelynn, lost in her own world still, didn’t hear any of this, and only felt a sharp tug on her shoulder. Water splattered everywhere, further dampening the already normally soaking students. Before anyone could say anything, Daelynn concentrated and pulled up all the water. It absorbed, seemingly, into her hand.
     Principal Hopkins immediately dropped Daelynn’s arm and stared in shock. “Did you just do that?”
     “Yeah,” Daelynn shrugged, wishing he hadn’t seen. The last thing she wanted to do was answer more questions about her power.
     “Come in here; we’re going to discover the extent of your powers.”
Ok, this is a start to a novel I've been thinking of writing. I'm not really sure if I should continue writing it, so please review and/or comment your thoughts. :)


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  • February 21, 2018 - 4:30pm (Now Viewing)

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  • renee.bbn

    Thanks I definitely will then! I'm sure you're writing is just as good:) Thanks for the words of encouragement!!

    almost 3 years ago
  • CreativeAngel

    OMG write more i love this! This insults everything i have ever written. Amazing work!

    almost 3 years ago
  • renee.bbn

    Also, tell me if you'd like to see more chapters of this on WtW!!!

    almost 3 years ago