Peer Review by Jacob Barrett (New Zealand)

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Ephemera

By: thecrazychatlady


PROMPT: WILD

"slow down"
no 
i won't
you can't make me
it hurts it hurts it hurts 
"just stop"
shut up
it's not that simple
you're not helping
shut up shut up shut up
the voices are louder than my own thoughts
"we can help you"
no no no no no no no
get away from me
i'm running 
i'm screaming
i have two days left and i will go down fighting
they try to catch me
pull me back
"just listen to us"
i  bite and pull and kick and shriek
they let me go
"stop it"
one day left
one hour left
a minute left
i see them clearly and i scratch their faces away
a second left
i smile
nothing left
i'm free


Peer Review

I'm not sure if I have a favourite line, none of them stick out in particular to me. Don't get me wrong, they are good, but none of them stand out as the meaningful line, or the heart-wrenching line etc. Perhaps you could go through and try to add in lines that really stand out to the reader as significant. I understand that this poem is about a panic attack of some sort (definitely related to mental illness, which is a really important topic), so if you wanted you could even add a line or two at the end, emphasizing or highlighting the emotional impact of the poem you have just written as some readers may not grasp the point.


The lack of grammar and punctuation throughout the piece may just be because you don't know how to do proper grammar/punctuation, but in terms of conveying the desperation of the character and how they feel it works perfectly. The use of constant short, sharp lines with longer lines interjecting at infrequent intervals also contributes to the desperate and paranoid emotion you are conveying throughout the poem, so overall you have done a pretty good job. My only suggestion is that maybe you could start off with proper grammar/punctuation at the beginning, and then slowly transition into what you have now (portraying the decline from emotional stability to instability), or at least have all the lines being spoken by the other people with proper grammar/punctuation to contrast them against the main character. Otherwise, nicely done.


Reviewer Comments

A really cool poem, which tons of room to get even better. I hope to read more of your work in the future, and I hope that my advice has been helpful :)
Merry Christmas from NZ,
Jacob