Peer Review by Maggie Mills (United States)

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Procrastination Man: Chapter One

By: Lee Fudge


FREE WRITING

In the event of a bank robbery, you probably do what the robbers tell you to do. This is the case for everyone one in America City National Bank expect one. The three robbers, known for some reason as the 'Bipolar Bandits', were busy delivering orders to the bank staff, then one of the three noticed a man with white hair standing at the counter. 

"Hey!" The robber said," Get in the-"

"Do you work here?" The white-haired man said.

"D-do I work- what day you think?!" The robber yelled.

"Cause, if you do, could you look at this paper?" The white-haired man showed the robber a paper.

"...Listen, man-"

"My name is Jimmy,"

"All right, Jimmy, I do not work here, got it," He then pointed at his head,"Why would I be wearing a ski mask if I did?"

Jimmy thought about it,"Because it's cold outside? Speaking of which you not wearing warm clothes."

"Told you," One of the robbers said.

"Shut up, Carl!" The first robber said,"You're not my dad!"

Jimmy wasn't sure what Carl said, but he thought he heard,"I kinda am though," 

Jimmy then felt something metal on his head. The robber had put his gun there. How rude.

"Do you have a lisence for that?" Jimmy asked.

"Do I have a - no I don't!" The robber said.

"I told you should've gotten it renewed!" Carl said.

The robber glared at Carl, then he suddenly was hit by something. What ever it was, it made him somehow end up outside of the bank.

Carl looked at Jimmy, because he knew what caused the first robber, Tim, to fly that far came from Jimmy punching him. 

"Does anyone work here?" Jimmy asked, hoping to get an awnser,"Is it Sunday? Cause I literally have no clue what today is."

He looked at where Carl was, but he and his companion already ran away.


Message to Readers

An feedback is great.


Peer Review

I like "Cause, if you do, could you look at this paper?" I think it's such a funny and startling thing to be coming from a man in the middle of a bank robbery. As a reader, I was taken aback by how clueless the man was, or perhaps how unfazed he felt by the presence of a gun to his head. I also love the robber's reaction, because he's clearly just as confused as the reader. I always love it when writers play with what readers expect happen because it makes the whole story so much more interesting and entertaining to read.


I thought the whole piece was really funny and enjoyable. I really liked the way that you present a frightening and potentially fatal robbery in the context of a humorous conversation between robbers and their victim. I also want to know what happens next, as well as the context for the robbery in the first place. Who are the three robbers? Are they actually related? Why is Jimmy so calm?


I would love to know where you got the inspiration for this piece. How did you come up with the characters? Why did you choose to use mainly dialogue? I know that's more than one question, but I really liked the way that you incorporated so much personality with just dialogue. I think dialogue can convey a character's mood, thoughts, fears, and motives better than any description. This piece definitely reaffirms that idea.


Reviewer Comments

Great work! A few things to think about as you revise:
First, I think that adding some more context to the robbery could help readers understand what's happening. For example, what do the robbers look like? Are they tall? Thin? Can we see their hair or does the ski mask cover that too? Also, how did the robbers execute the crime? Did they charge in with guns or did they have a more detailed and discreet plan?
Second, I know that you mention the fact that there are three robbers. During the dialogue section, however, I get the sense that there are only two robbers actively speaking, Carl and Tim. Whether or not the third robber is part of conversation or off in the bank doing something else, try explaining this so that readers get a strong idea of what each character is doing.
Nice job :) I loved the humor that you used in this, and you also did a great job with realistic dialogue. I can't wait to read the next chapter!