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Message to Readers
An feedback is great.
I like "Cause, if you do, could you look at this paper?" I think it's such a funny and startling thing to be coming from a man in the middle of a bank robbery. As a reader, I was taken aback by how clueless the man was, or perhaps how unfazed he felt by the presence of a gun to his head. I also love the robber's reaction, because he's clearly just as confused as the reader. I always love it when writers play with what readers expect happen because it makes the whole story so much more interesting and entertaining to read.
I thought the whole piece was really funny and enjoyable. I really liked the way that you present a frightening and potentially fatal robbery in the context of a humorous conversation between robbers and their victim. I also want to know what happens next, as well as the context for the robbery in the first place. Who are the three robbers? Are they actually related? Why is Jimmy so calm?
I would love to know where you got the inspiration for this piece. How did you come up with the characters? Why did you choose to use mainly dialogue? I know that's more than one question, but I really liked the way that you incorporated so much personality with just dialogue. I think dialogue can convey a character's mood, thoughts, fears, and motives better than any description. This piece definitely reaffirms that idea.
Great work! A few things to think about as you revise:
First, I think that adding some more context to the robbery could help readers understand what's happening. For example, what do the robbers look like? Are they tall? Thin? Can we see their hair or does the ski mask cover that too? Also, how did the robbers execute the crime? Did they charge in with guns or did they have a more detailed and discreet plan?
Second, I know that you mention the fact that there are three robbers. During the dialogue section, however, I get the sense that there are only two robbers actively speaking, Carl and Tim. Whether or not the third robber is part of conversation or off in the bank doing something else, try explaining this so that readers get a strong idea of what each character is doing.
Nice job :) I loved the humor that you used in this, and you also did a great job with realistic dialogue. I can't wait to read the next chapter!