Peer Review by ALangford (United Kingdom)

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After 12

By: Tequilamockingbird22


    The night blows its forbidding breeze. 

    Within the walls of my bedroom, my mind envisions a smile of his. One that made everything fade. One that arrests my attention with ease. 

    Within the halls of my school, my head tumbles over a future with him. Promises and hopes that are prolific in my thinking. But the probabilities of crossing paths again were slim.
    Forlorn figures encompass me. Medicament, drama, and money. Now I long for his hilarity, to take me out of their ill mentality.

    As my I stroll down to Starbucks, I feel the urge to run amok. To scream, to cry, to let it all out. 

    When I'm the middle of class, I dig deep into another part of myself. Every story I hold, of my own, stays on my bookshelf. I keep them all in, but I take them all out. All I'm left with is false hope and doubt. 

    I reread them. They read the same, only I can understand the plots better. Embracing a threaded sweater, one that's as old as time, and its warmth reminds me of a love letter from a joyful ink. 

    Now it's after 12, still in my bed, and the confrontation between my heart and my mind continues. Which do I listen to? To whom do I bid adieu? My world hanging askew, I start to ask you. 

    What do I do?


Peer Review

I honestly cannot even begin to pick a line because this was really, really beautifully written throughout and every line revealed something new. The second sentence, and especially 'my mind envisions a smile of his' that 'arrests my attention with ease' is simultaneously relatable and really originally expressed, so that I didn't at any point feel like I was reading anything I'd read before. That's a really recognisable first stage of love. 'My head tumbles over a future with him' is again very effective and quite emotive - it revealed more about motive, too. 'I feel the urge to run amok' represents the stage of love and perhaps the stage after a loved one has left when everything around you ceases to hold purpose and you want your daily routines and the recognisable world around you to burn down because you're so different now and it feels strange to be held in stasis. And then there's the looking back: 'I reread them' - because the pain and the memories and the happiness never really go away. Every one of these lines representing the stages of love really struck me.

You blend ideas of pain, anger, euphoria and conflict really well, which makes such a good mix. The language you use really effectively plays on each really strong emotion, creating in the reader a similar blend of these feelings. It's exactly the feeling that love itself evokes: confusion, and a blend of all of these strong things you think you're probably too young to be able to deal with. This was, again, very effective.

What inspired it?

Reviewer Comments

I was wondering if this was intended to read a bit like a mixture between prose and poetry. The structure would suggest so, and you used a few full and half rhymes, which made for a really charming and curious mix. How do you view the structure of this piece?
I can't overstate how impressed I was with this piece - I relate a lot to it and I think you've captured unique feelings really beautifully. Your style never ceases to be graceful, and your descriptive passages are always beautifully unconventional.
Well done - I hope to see more of your work on the site in the future!