sadquesadilla

United States

Just your average emotional 15 year old with daddy issues and a lot of strange thoughts

Message from Writer

Don't you turn your back on me
Let your teardrops fall on me
Speeding away, the city in the rear view
Heart racing whenever I'm near you
Goth Boi jumpin' on stage
Carry me away, carry me away
Burn me down 'til there's nothing left
I will scream your name with my last breath
Take off your favorite dress
Lay your head on my chest
Diamonds, rubies and gems
You can have all of them

- Awful Things, Lil Peep

Paranoia

December 9, 2017

FREE WRITING

2
Paranoia 
Started with that Jacksonville Jaguars hoodie. Along with those sharp brown eyes. That smile, hungered for danger. Those lips, were colder than February. Many called him strange or extordinary. I called him my love.

That smile could make me happy any day. I had felt feelings stronger than no other.  I guess you could call it love. It's hard to believe that such a strong emotion could fall apart. 
That's what happened. Because happy endings don't exist. We all die one way or another. As well as our lovers, they die too.  

What seemed to to be a prince, a hero, a lover at first glance, turned out to be a monster. That smile that once brought me happiness disappeared. The love I once felt, was forced. His lips against mine felt like I was kissing ice. Maybe I had been dating a stranger this whole time.
It's one of those things you don't understand or can't wrap your mind around. Perhaps because my mind was not in the right place. It was dying somewhere. Maybe it's still dead. My mind may even be healing. 
While my mind was lost somewhere else, I needed him most. My mind needed him most. He was absent, however. I slowly started to despise him for this.

My mind has not healed. It probably ever will. Yet, it was free enough from death and intentional malnurishment for me to go back. I really do miss being alone in a room though.
It was then when I had to go back to him. Neither of us wanted this. Yet it seemed forced upon us. I couldn't bear to look at him the same way I did before he threw me to the gutter.
I suppose I still had love left in my heart. Yet I was forced to run away from him before he could do me any harm. That's what made him the angriest. That's what made him want to kill me.

I'm paranoid. Everything and anyone can kill me. Am I crazy? The day he said he'd kill me if he ever saw me again I couldn't think straight.
Some nights when I'm alone there are footsteps, knocks on doors, and scratches. Is it him? Did he finally find me?
I've come to terms that I might die very soon. Maybe I'm lost in my mind again. That's what everyone tells me anyway. 

I'm paranoid. My mind is always paranoid. He's why I'm paranoid. It's all just a never ending game of paranoia.

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  • December 9, 2017 - 12:11am (Now Viewing)

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