Peer Review by Lucy_Cerys (Australia)

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This.

By: LackingASocialLife


PROMPT: Setting as Mood

This. This is the place where birds sang.

This is the place where the grass was once greener than any dollar bill. Where water was bluer than any facebook logo. This is the place where flowers emitted a natural perfume and filled the floor with their attractive colours, distracting the eyes of hungry animals. This is the place where the tops of trees were out of sight and bushes were Mother Natures' natural walls. Where the sky you couldn't see due to all the trees, but that's ok- everything eye level is just as beautiful. Areas were filled with colourful bugs hiding underneath every surface and tunnels formed from vines that became something beautiful to walk through. This was the place where every step was closer to something new to experience, lush green covering every corner.  

This was the place that was supposed to stay unowned.

The place where the grass wasn't supposed to be uprooted. Where water was never supposed to have chip bags and plastic bottles filling it. This is the place that now reeks of leaking fuel, the pungent smell eye-watering. This is the place where flowers were just a pretty thing you killed if you owed someone an apology. Where once intrigued eyes of animals now lolled backwards into their heads. Where tall trees were replaced with taller buildings and bushes were just decoration. Where the sky was visible but that wasn't ok, the street lights hid the stars. Areas were filled with chewed gum hiding underneath every surface and tunnels made out of concrete as a faster driving method. This was the place where nothing changed, dull greys covering every corner. 

This. This is the place where the birds stopped singing. 
 


Message to Readers

I haven't written anything in a while. My apologies as it isn't great. I'd love it if anyone reading showed me ways to make the story more intriguing or if they let me know if it doesn't fit the theme- I write something off topic unintentionally a lot.


Peer Review

That's hard to choose- there are so many wonderful lines in this! Probably 'where once intrigued eyes of animals now lolled backwards into their heads'. I thought this was quite cool because not only does it have the juxtaposition with your earlier description thus keeping the piece coherent, but it's also beautifully simple. It's not a complex sentence but the words you used were purposeful.


This is a passionate piece. I don't really like that word but here it applies. I can feel the anger and sadness but it's almost as if you, or the persona you chose, is resigned to the unfortunate state of things, understanding that it's unfortunately unlikely to change. The tone of this is almost accusatory. It's good.


Reviewer Comments

This. This was pretty damn brilliant!! I like the full stop on your title - it has a confronting finality and the repetition of it throughout reinforces this. I look forward to reading more of your work - well done!