Peer Review by ALangford (United Kingdom)

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Inside my Mind

By: tristen kay


FREE WRITING

Inside my mind, I'm alone all the time.

Inside my mind, there's nothing to break the cold silence.

Inside my mind, no songs are playing, 
 Yet I can hear my theme song in a far distance.

Inside my mind, I am consumed by madness,
  Influenced by sadness...

Therefore Inside my mind I am softly crying,
  As once again my spirit is dying,
  In hope to be born again.

Inside my mind, I know the true value of a friend.

Inside my mind, I laugh and I cry.

Inside my mind, I am beautiful.

Inside my mind... I can hear you.


Peer Review

'Inside my mind... I can hear you.' This is interesting for a whole range of reasons. It's very ambiguous and I'm not entirely sure what you're referring to, which obviously is not a bad thing at all - is it a sense of oppression from the words of other people which cause the sadness and happiness in your poem, a susceptibility to the whims of others on the speaker's part? Is it a cry for help, are you asking the reader to stop you from being alone in your mind?


It's really interesting because you create such a huge contrast - on the one hand, you've got these deeply negative things associated with your mind - the madness, sadness etc - but on the other hand you've highlighted some really positive aspects such as the value of a friend and feeling yourself to be beautiful. This makes for really intriguing reading and even helps to create a sense of character ringing through in the tone, which I was very impressed with. It can also seem a bit confusing, though - how could you develop on the ideas you already have to explain your simultaneous sadness and feeling of beauty - the laughter and tears in the third to last line? Would some context be handy for a reader?


How do you visualise your mind apart from these words? Everyone thinks in different ways because obviously it's so abstract - I'm a synesthete and a lot of my thoughts are deeply associated with colours but what affects how you think and how do you see these emotions that come to you?


Reviewer Comments

Lovely piece of work. Perhaps next time you might consider adding more evocative description throughout - could you substitute the words 'sadness' or 'madness' for something more descriptive to create interest, rather than using these quite simple terms?
This was a really nice piece and very enjoyable to read - well done. You're a great writer and you really know how to strike a tone and a voice. Well done - I hope to see more of your work on the site in the future!