Peer Review by ALangford (United Kingdom)

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my unrequited crushes

By: Insomnia Writer


FREE WRITING

i've never been good with crushes
never been good with
not getting attached to those i like

because when i fall for someone i leap
into a bottomless pit of
happiness and sadness entertwined

and when those feelings aren't returned
then where does this,
this useless crush, leave me? nowhere.

i am left with nothing to catch me
as i free fall into pain
a pain i hoped would never happen, but

i knew what was coming when i lept
i knew the risk i took
but still, it just hurts so damn much

because i've fallen for you
and i don't know how to stop
so i keep fallin' til i reach the end


Peer Review

'a bottomless pit of/happiness and sadness intertwined'. You capture the sensation of having a crush perfectly throughout this poem and this really represents the bittersweet sensation very accurately. It's that feeling of happiness because you have purpose and you've found someone perfect, but also sadness because you know it won't work out between you and every second they're not beside you causes fresh heartache. Your writing style is really tender and sweetly sad, and your lack of capital letters and repeated enjambment was really effective in increasing this sense of mourning and weary heartache.


It made me feel really reflective! As I say, you write with real charm and everything about your style invites me to share your sentiments. You also sustain that sweetly sad tone throughout, except for one line which I highlighted which temporarily breaks it, which gave the piece real strength.


I'd really love to know more about the sensation of being in love or liking someone to you outside of the quite general descriptions you use in the poem like 'pain', 'hurt', 'happiness' and 'sadness'. I think it'd be really interesting to see you describing these sensations to you more and finding ways to express them which are a bit more unique, things you wouldn't find most writers saying. It's really important to make sure that you're not repeating all the same sentiments that other writers have said countless times before, and trying to differentiate that and strike a really unique and personal tone. For the most part, you do this, but I think increasing your descriptions of those abstract nouns might help further.


Reviewer Comments

I wanted to know what this was intended to be. Obviously it really reads well as a poem, but I think it could also make a really good song. I'd love to see you considering how you could accompany something like this with music, what you'd use as a chorus and what you'd be trying to get across in each verse. That might be really interesting to consider, at least.
This was really enjoyable to read - you're an incredible writer. I hope to see more of your work in the future - well done!