Dancing fingers

Kahasai

United States

I'm 17
I like to dream

Homeschooled
Maybe a fool

Trampolinist
and classical guitarist

Archer
Let us barter

Mountain girl
I like burl

River otter
Viking daughter

Wolfdog owner
Forest roamer

I'm no fighter
But I am a writer

Message to Readers

Please, be honest about what you think. It is truly helpful to me as a writer.

Quick backstory to this scene: Eyana Quavere is a young woman who went missing for three years. When she returns she has few memories of what happened and claims to have willingly forgot those memories. She doesn't want to remember what happened. However, fragments of memories still haunt her and remind her that she is still hiding and running away from something, something powerful, something that would reclaim her if it could.

Enjoy!

The Raven Mask

January 29, 2018

FREE WRITING

3
Gunfire. It echoed over the water, rang in her ears. Blood, gore, bone, bodies, everywhere. The shadow of two giant ships, dangerously close to her small motorboat. Battle above her head. A burning sunset. Fire, wood, char, embers. Hissing ocean, clanging metal. Stinking steam from the ships. Faces floating in the water, mangled and barely recognizable as her family.
    Forest, city, all grown into one. Beautiful faces, painful truths. Screams of pain turned insane. The raven masks, surrounding her, everywhere.Trapping her. Refusing to release her. Beating her. Pecking her. Refusing to relent. Breaking her body, breaking her mind. The masks, everywhere. Ravens, everywhere. Black feather, shining beak, beady eyes. Everywhere. Destroying her. Turning her insane. Turning her into a monster.
    It was a still night. Clouds covered the sky. The thin glow of the moon did nothing to light the city. The streetlamps wavered and flickered. The paint on the street was faded and overgrown with plants. The sewers stank. The apartments were dark except for the single light on each porch. She stared at her door, the number 751 glowing dully. The door, plain and old, looked more dejected than usual. The porch, made of concrete and unusual broken glass, was empty except for a doormat and a black object that shone brighter than the metal door handle. Without consciously trying, she was on the steps, staring at the object. It was a mask. A raven mask. Here.
    They had found her.


Eyana Quavere woke screaming. She sat up on her bed, her blankets a tangled mess. Sweat coursed down her body despite the cold night. Her hair clung to her forehead. Her room was dark except for the paleness of her bare arms and feet.
    They had found her.
    She swung her feet over her bed and ran to the door, slamming it open with so much force it cracked the papery wall. Not noticing or caring, she sprinted past the kitchen to the front door. She grabbed the cold handle, turned it, and opened the door.
    The nighttime greeted her as silently as it always did. There wasn't even a breeze. The bushes on either side of the steps remained empty of movement. Eyana stared about wildly, then at the doormat. It was empty. No raven mask. They had not found her. It was just a dream.
    She sank to her knees, staring out into the night. Her legs shook so she sank further into a sitting position. She pressed a quivering palm to her forehead, closing her eyes and breathing deep. She was okay. She was safe. They hadn't found her. It was just a dream, just a memory.
    It took her a long time to find the strength to stand and make her way back to bed. She slept with the light on and the window open. Just in case.
    It took her an even longer time for her to find the courage and peace to sleep. But she didn't rest.

As she tossed and turned in her sleep, the nighttime outside held its breath. It was watching. Listening.
    A small, hunched figure shambled out from behind a bush across the street. At an agonizingly slow pace, it shuffled over the pavement and onto the sidewalk. As it moved into the light its mottled cloak offered no suggestion of its form.
    With careful movements, it climbed up the steps and to the doormat in front of Eyana's home. It bent and gently placed a black, shining object on the letter C of the word "Welcome!" Once the object was positioned to its liking it turned around and climbed back down the steps. It stepped onto the street and disappeared, as if it had never been there.
    The night sighed. A breeze returned, rustling the branches of the carefully placed trees and bushes. But not one breath of air touched the raven mask that sat upon Eyana's doorstep.
    The next morning the neighbors awoke to Eyana's terrified scream.




 
My question for you: were  you still drawn into the scene?

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2 Comments
  • Kahasai

    Thank you for the input!


    over 1 year ago
  • Alexis Amora

    Interesting! As a whole, I’d say it’s intriguing and the start of an interesting story. The beginning dream sequence had a few too many sentence fragments, so each individual one loses its impact. Cut down on them or blend them together so that the ones you really want to stand out do. The imagery is also vivid, but again it’s a bit too much too quickly. Focus on two or three important pieces of imagery.


    over 1 year ago