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Lucas Almeida Franceschi

Brazil

Brazilian 18 year-old on a gap year with a lot to share!

Message to Readers

These are two pieces of reflection that I wrote a few months apart. Lately I've looked towards them and realized that they deal with a similar theme, so I thought it would be nice to juxtapose them. Please let me know what you guys think of them - I've been thinking of developing this idea and turning it into a short story or a novel.

I would like some feedback on content only, not on style. Thanks! :)

Theme: The Loss of a Friend

September 25, 2015

FREE WRITING

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Part 1: Clarice (February 2015)

You little fool; you don't realize I like you. I like you so much. I only wish you could have known that so we could laugh together again; so we could mock at my innocence and my ingenious curiosity for anything that is dangerous. Before every "wrong" move I made was turned into this sudden, stern, somber judgment of character in which I haven't fulfilled your expectations.

And sometimes it is not just you that is sickened by me; it is myself. But I thank my heart and my soul for understanding the horridness of the complications and inflations of my ego so I can do what's within my best to change.

For I have learned that the image, the only image that is pleasant to myself of myself is that of the innocent child; the naive, easy-going, bright-eyed boy who is always smiling and committing adorable little social gaffes.

I have taken this as my own. Anything that falls outside of that pattern, any intellectual or social over-development and any meanness of spirit will sicken me to my bone. I am grateful that God or whatever creation source made me that way, to dread the very evil that all of us find within our souls. The only and important question is how we get to eradicate, or degrade to its minimum, the parts of our souls which we think are detrimental to society as a whole and to us as individuals.

Because I'm not an asshole of sorts. But whenever I come across this way a part of me dies slowly and I can feel a little squeak deep inside my soul that says: "I'm sorry. Don't abandon me! I am adorable..."

Today I have laid out the cards in the table. I don't know whether to feel pride of attempt or regret of stupidity; I have decided that time should tell how I feel. But I have shown all the colors within myself and now it is entirely up to you if you're willing to change the way you see me and treat me and interpret my little mistakes of being.

I feel as though the balance of well-being has been disturbed and now everything is blurry. Whether it was something I said, did, acted upon, or displayed, or if it was and still is something that you dread within yourself, and are only projecting, I have little to no clue. You broke me and that is unacceptable. I will not sit here afraid of what you have to say, or think, or the frowns you have to show me, or the curses you will lay upon me. Bring me your best and I'll bring you mine.

There is no shame in loving your friends that much. And I will absorb and possess, linger, touch, brighten, and open yours and the hearts of those whom I meet. That I know. I am still myself; only with a learned patience, astonishing self-confidence, intrinsic wisdom and kindness, and an underdeveloped but present openness of heart. Time, not I, will care to display these qualities.

My defects will become part of my perfection and beauty; my shortcomings will become forgivable, and we will laugh together at all the absurdities and strange things that I have done.

Right now this has been lost. Don't you deny it. If there is anything I prize as being exceedingly and astonishingly good at, it is my ability to read characters and the underlying meanings of someone's words and actions.


Part 2: A Book Idea (September 2015)

Arthur


I had a friend once. We started out well. Had some good times together. Some damn good times. Then it all started to dismantle. He would not hear my pleas. I would not laugh at his jokes. But that’s okay. We just grew apart.

This person and I have had a complicated history. Did we like each other? Did we hate each other’s guts? What role did we have in the other’s history? And if we grew apart, who started it?

Some people said we looked like a couple. Damn teasers, those ones. All in jest, I know. But were they right, or were they wrong? Right at the end, they were wrong, that’s for sure. But what about the beginning?

See, to me, he was such a mystery. It started off so well – he was the reason for it, too. Then, I pushed him away. I pushed him away. It wasn’t so evident back then, I know, but it was noticeable. Then, as soon as I got back, he pushed me away. For one year, he did. Intermittently.

It makes me question whether it was me. Was it me? Or was it him?

Narrowing down to questions

So far, four questions. What were his feelings toward me? Whose fault is it? Are my assumptions right? How did we change each other’s lives?

His feelings towards me? Did he like me, at all? Then what were all the random texts, the trip(s), the mutual interests? Did he scorn me? The hatred on a drunken night, two infamous nights, “Get over yourself,” cold birthday wishes and thank-you’s, not a lot of mutual interest, not a lot of similar characteristics.

The fault? My two bad nights, my two crises, my irritation, mine and everyone’s confirmation of something that to him was hella creepy. His? His being “popular” and pushing me away, his insecurity, his family values, his family issues.

How did he make me feel? Insecure at his handwriting, jealous of his popularity, angry, aware of my own “seriousness.” How did I make him feel? Finally safe.

Periods

First semester junior year – He approached me, ever and ever closer.
Second semester, first quarter junior year – I pushed him away
(His dad goes to jail, he starts drinking)
Everything after – I went back to him, but it was too late

Conclusions

-      I’m just trying to hold on to the first six months we’ve had together. I turned to look but they were gone.

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  • September 25, 2015 - 9:28am (Now Viewing)

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