Peer Review by ALangford (United Kingdom)

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Unsaid goodbye

By: HeyThereRose


She said she'd miss me.
"think of all those good times" 
I nodded, smiled, didn't know how to say goodbye so I delved into the past.
I grinned despite myself, "remember the burrito dance?"
she laughs,
keeps saying it's not over, that we'll see each other in the weekends, the holidays, 
"more fun times to come! You haven't escaped me yet Jenny Parker!",
I try not to cry,
I make her promise to text me, phone me, snapchat me, email me, 
then we do our handshake of 4 years, since yr7,
"4, 3,2,1 carrot potatoe cabbage pax".  

we don't say goodbye.
just walk away


Peer Review

The mix of dialogue and summarised dialogue was really effective in this piece, and I don't think there actually are any places in which it would have been better to switch the format. You use summarised dialogue to get across important details about the conversation and dialogue to establish tone, character, relationship etc, which works really well - for example, 'you haven't escaped me yet, Jenny Parker!', which helps the reader to feel that much more invested in the story because the characters actually appear real. So I don't think there's anything much that could be improved here.


There's no setting to this piece which is, conversely, quite effective. This is more about the emotions felt on both sides than its physical setting, after all. However, it might add depth to the piece if you did consider adding some details of setting though, whether that's a sort of cloud of emotion or actual material, physical details. One thing I would say though is that if you want to achieve that feeling of emotional rather than physical setting, you could describe the feelings on both sides more - how are both of the characters reacting to what is being said? How can you describe these emotions in a more unconventional way? Or if you did intend to add a setting, how might you make it work with tone of the piece? Do you think pathetic fallacy might be effective?
Another thing that did really impress me was how much characterisation you managed to achieve so succinctly - you have a natural ear for dialogue and it was believable throughout. It also helped the reader to gauge details about the characters and their relationship without them having to be explicitly stated. You're a natural at this. Maybe just think further about revealing details about the characters through other subtle means, such as gesture, movement, appearance etc.


Reviewer Comments

This was a really impressive piece and I really enjoyed reading it. You're an excellent writer - especially for your age - so just keep going! I know what you mean re the notification thing - it's comparatively rare that someone stops by a piece of your work and reads it through, leaves a comment or a review or something, but don't be disheartened by that because it happens to all of us. You have a lot of a talent and I really look forward to reading more of your work.