Peer Review by Lucy_Cerys (Australia)()

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Revision

By: RedWriter


FREE WRITING

Stop, stop, stop.
This is all wrong.
What do you think your doing?
Get that down!

Alright, silly,
That's better
Yes, good job.
But don't start preening yet!

Alright, yes, erase that.
This is better now, right?
Wrong!
We have much work to do so stop nodding along and get your head in the game.

Oh shush!
You know I'm write
Ha, get it?
Well don't stop to stare if your not going to laugh!

Yes! That is how we do it!
Just add that comma instead of an and because it will take the place.
See? You remember even when those kids wouldn't listen to you.
I know your smart, not just fluff between your ears

That was not an invitation to stray from the task.
Gosh, you can't be bragging yet!
Come on, we've got work to do!
I am this close to loosing my patience with you and your under appreciation for my jokes.

Not funny?
I'll show you funny
Or I would if I had a mirror!
Ha, see? They get meaner when you don't at least offer smiles.

This is good, now we can afford to merge the sentence.
Use the semicolon
Aha! Eureka! But don't go jumping out your bathtub and running down the streets just yet (cough, Archimedes, cough).
Now sign it!

_____
How it is to revise.


Message to Readers

This is how I imagine a mind might work when revising.


Peer Review

"We have much work to do so stop nodding along and get your head in the game." I think this is neat because it's the kind of thing I tell myself whilst revising.


Stress. My interpretation originally was that this poem represented different advice from teachers over time, so the flawed and conflicted education system that's shoved down our necks, but perhaps this is just because I don't like taking responsibility. Now I read it a second time I can see that it also works as a mental dialogue; a stream of consciousness, driven slightly mad with sleep deprivation. I like it (probably even more like this). You found a great balance of humour and rythm. And the topic is something that most people on this site can relate too.


What inspired you in particular at the moment? Are you procrastinating right now?


Reviewer Comments

Please please please use 'you're' correctly. Your = his, hers, thier
You're = you are
Also I like the way you used syntax to create effect. The poem had great rhythm with an easy flow and nothing seemed forced. Well done. Look forward to reading your next piece.