Peer Review by Rachel the Author (United States)

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Prologue of Hunter and Hunted

By: Quilling Leaves


    The storm raged out over the sea with harsh winds, blinding strikes of lightning, and pounding rain. In the storm, the hungry waves tossed and turned a ship. The captain of the ship shouted orders to his crew over the wind. One of these orders was to better chain their cargo, for fear he would escape.
   The cargo below heard the bellowed order and shrunk closer against and he hunched closer against the wall, trying to escape the scary noises which he couldn't place. He was bound in chains at his hands and feet, his hands had at least four cuffs and on his feet, were five. He was skinny and scratched by the whip, of which the crewmembers used on him. The cargo wouldn't have been called that if it weren't for what he was, even if he was human. With feet and hands and alike features like the captain himself. But it was what surged under his skin that made the captain fearful. Power surged through the cargo, and the unknown power had struck fear throughout the civilization of which the ship had come from. The ship had been sent to get rid of the cargo, or beast, is what they called him.
   The cargo tensed as three crewmembers joined him in his cell, holding more chains and a whip. His eyes shined in the darkness with horror and fear, but he didn't fight them as they bound him with more chains. As they finished they flung him against the wall in disgust and stepped back to look at their work. That’s when the events started to take place. The ship lurched forward, throwing them forward. The cargo's chains wrapped and tangled around him as he rolled too. He screeched in pain as something jabbed him in the palm, his attention was averted away from the wound as he heard a soft, cooing voice.
   A gentle voice of sweetness calling, it was a singing voice promising freedom, love, and friendship, the things the cargo had never gotten. As he started to slip deeper into the songs daze like the crewmembers and captain, he heard a stabbing voice. That pierced through the melody for just a sliver a of second before it was drowned out by the soft voice. But, he still caught the calling of lies causing him snapped out of the daze. A word popped into his mind, telling him what the noise was made by, a siren. He didn't understand the word but he connected the dots of it a warning by how his mind said it.
    He watched as the crewmembers left him with distance in their eyes, they could hear the sound and were entranced by it. They walked to the upper deck of the ship and he felt the ship shift its coarse to the North. His ears caught the sound of waves crashing against the walls of the ship, but the ship never faltered its invisible path. His nerves leapt around his body, carrying anticipation and nervousness with fear. There was another lurch with splashing and a horribly creaking noise.
    Suddenly, water gushed into his prison as his eyes caught a sharp black rock gouging in the new hole that was in the ship. His nerves pranced around inside him and his heart roared. He struggled in his chains but it was no use, after all of his strength had been drained by the treatment he’d received from the crewmembers. He threw himself against the wall in the efforts to break the chains, no use. He gave up and let the water soak him and swirl around him until it was over his head. He held his breath as he was sucked out of the ship and into the black ocean with his chains whirling around him.
    He saw sharp rocks jutting around him as he was whisked through the ocean by the current. His lungs screamed at him for air but he didn't struggle, no matter how much his brain tried to persuade him. He was knocked out by air loss and after hitting his head on a rock.

This is the prologue to my book of which I wrote a poem about called Hunter and Hunted. This is a new and improved version of the first.

Message to Readers

Any feedback is welcomed. Thanks for reading my prologue and God bless.

Peer Review

The line that stands out the most is by far the three lines. because it is descriptive and conveys a very dark and ominous mood.

I am left with a feeling of intrigue because I want to know about what happens next! Who is the person in the cargo hold? Why could he resist the sirens? What power does he have that's so dangerous? Great job!

What inspired you to write this and are you planning on making this a novel or a short story?

Reviewer Comments

Other than minor grammatical errors -I would mark them with comments but my computer is being stupid- I think it was very good. I think you could work with the syntax a bit to combine some sentences as they can be a bit short at points, but this is kind of nit picky. I think that this piece has a lot of potential and you should be proud of it. Good job!