Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Who is it for ??? I'll never tell. MWHAHA- sorry..
Love you guys!!
Hi Bree Bree, AND LIL K. ELLO EVERYONE!!
IN CAPS FOR NO REASON (OR AM I? *WINK WINK*)
IM GUNNA GO DANCE NOW.
'Even though I could hear/your heart beating': this represented, to me, the subtlety of emotion in this piece. The speaker attempts to sift through the difficulties of love, not able to explain why their loved one rejects them, and they have a high degree of sensitivity to the emotions of their loved one. It's an intricate game of feelings. To me, this appeared to embody that.
It's really a very beautiful piece of writing, but by no means only two-dimensional. Despite being essentially sad and mournful ('I'd die right away/for you', 'it may not have been real'), it also has a charmingly uplifting element to it, a tiny piece of optimism 'if it's me that you want/that's all I need you to say', and the poet's prevailing belief that the one they love loves them back. This made a lovely blend of emotions and created a lovely, unique style.
I love the idea of this as a song - I think it has the potential to be very strong in this format too. Your use of repetition would be very effective for this, and you utilise rhyme similarly well. I just had a few questions about how you would end up doing that logistically though, as it interests me greatly. This is obviously by no means mandatory, but would you consider adding a chorus in? It could be just two lines, even, but it might lend more structure to what is essentially a narrative. Also, how do you visualise making this develop? The text itself is introspective in nature and, despite coming to a conclusion, is fairly static in terms of the emotional impact that each verse gets across (which isn't a criticism - it's beautifully done). This does make it harder to build it up, though. Do you visualise a song developing in texture, dynamics, instrumentation? How would this work with what you've written?
I loved this piece, it was very enjoyable to read and I hope to come across more of your work in the future!