Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
'Those breaths meant to show my attraction to you instead skipping heartbeats with your playlist on repeat in a dark office'. The wording here is beautiful but it's also charmingly fragmented, which really adds to the effect, which is why I find it so clever. You add small details of setting meticulously, so that I can just imagine the specific setting but it doesn't become so specific that it can't still apply to situations I've been in before. The idea that you outline, as well as how you find solace, is a really universal thing so the reader can find aspects of his/herself within it.
It's quite a heartbreaking piece, really - even without knowing the situation (as you never reveal this, which I find interesting) I am able to sense the grief that went into this. It's to do with the slightly disjointed wording, yet the pure elegance of its accompanying pictures; the metaphor and simile that you employ to explore your feelings; the structure, with its careful repetition and anaphora. I was left shaken by the depth of feeling within the piece, but it also helped me to reflect on myself, and situations in which this has applied to me, and whether I reacted in the same way as you. It's a very reflective, introspective piece, really.
I would ask what inspired it! It's quite a sad topic and very relatable to teenagers and adults alike. It mixes ideas about simple bullying and isolation (the rumours, people not understanding you) and love, which is interesting to me because I would love to know the situation in which these all become intertwined, really. Having learned from the piece very little about what has upset the narrator, I would ask what inspired it, and whether writing about it made you feel better.
Have you ever considered writing dramatic monologue? You instinctively add pauses into your prose and you play with pace very well - this really opens up pieces like this to a speaker. You also already seem to have a hidden listener, or someone whom you're telling the story to. You have a very good ear for it.There's a lot to play with. Can you imagine staging this, and having someone speak it aloud?
Well done - I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more of your work!