Peer Review by ALangford (United Kingdom)

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A small moment in time

By: JamieCarter


    Desolated screams echoed off the aggressive white walls, you don't hesitate, running across the corridor with reckless abandon the moonlighting your path. You can hear them, the low growl of pure hunger, the snarl of insanity and the inhuman screams. Instinctively you tighten your grip on the strap of your bag, and as you turn the corridor you slide to a stop in horror; at least 50 zombies were shambling towards you, blood dripping from their mouths and arms. Spinning around you start to head back the way you came only to find more blocking your path, their pace quicken as they see you. You're trapped.         
   Panic grips you as you desperately look for an escape. The window. It's your only chance. You take a deep breath and run, you don't think because if you think you will hesitate and die. You shoot the window blindly, the explosive sound quieting the world around you, muffled by the ringing that now fills your ears. The cold air hits you as you approach the edge, and for a few brief seconds, you know what it's like to fly. It's free, pure and bittersweet. Your stomach drops as you plummet to the ground, you are only 3 stories up but the fall lasts for an eternity. You hold the bag to your chest as you brace for impact, the ground rising at a sickening rate.
   The earth hits you as you roll, the shock rippling through your body; cuts and grazes decorate your skin and rips your clothes to shreds. You slowly sit up and the world dips and sways, you can see a van racing towards you. Unable to keep your eyes open you fall into the abyss of unconsciousness.

Peer Review

For me, the first line stood out massively. Firstly, because it's the only piece of dialogue in the piece (which is clever in itself, because there's that subsequent sense of loneliness and isolation that runs through the rest), secondly because it's so beautifully set out to inspire fear and excitement from the outset and lastly because it literally throws one into the action. Just reading it on my feed I already felt involved in the piece. Do you think, though, that it might strengthen this a bit to explain where this dialogue is coming from, or maybe use it once more?

Curiosity, of course, for the situation - the piece is quite short, although there's a lot of action within that space, and having read the passage I'm naturally very excited to find out what has happened before this point and what will happen after.

I think the nature of the writing, action-heavy and verb-guided, would lend itself well to a film script. I would ask, have you visualised this (and writing you may have done like this) as scripted? Would you like to see it on screen? How would you set it out?

Reviewer Comments

You manage to pack an admirable amount into a short space. Your writing is very succinct yet constantly gripping and engaging, and you've definitely harnessed minimalist writing. I look forward to reading more of your work!