Peer Review by Ariel_ (United States)

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By: Jeremy Houle


I went through life the same way every day
Did the daily grind and felt nothing, had no vision.
As I was about to leave a regular haunt, I saw you enter there
And something curious told me to stay.
It said not only that, but to talk to you, if I dare.
My stone cold heart told me not to,
Not to walk over: indecision.
Said it was a waste of time. I agreed.
But something said “Come, friend: try something new; let there be two.”
I went to leave, but ‘twas a noxious weed.
The closer I got the brighter you shined
You filled my whole field of vision.
I will always remember your yellow hair bow.
It was my heart you mined –
No rather, turned it to magma; I felt love flow.
My heart, magmatized
You and I – a powerful collision.
I wanted to be your friend and get to know you
My desires were somewhat realized
But what I feared soon became true.
What magician are you, miss?
I sat next to you at that haunt (I planned it out with precision)
And you did homework, or read.
Once, we played that hand-slap game.
I loved you from the start, still do, even as I write this.
I wished that perhaps someday you’d change your name.
(to mine, of course)
But Reality has the coldest touch
He laughed at me with derision.
That there really was a human who was beautiful, caring, cute, and smart?
(And one that I knew?!?)
Surely I was asking too much.
And so, with a flourish, He made us part.
I go through life the same way every day
Do the daily grind and feel nothing, have little vision.
As I leave my regular haunts, I see you enter there
But it is only Him tricking and taunting me with shadow play.
Reality, you are a hideous bear.
(Someday, I will beat you, I swear)

Message to Readers

Please let me know how you feel afterwards and summarize my poem in one sentence so that I can see where to work on getting my message across more clearly. I hope you can relate (or rather, for your sake, that you can't). What do you think of the word I coined?

Peer Review

"But Reality has the coldest touch" indeed.

This made me feel the estrangement of watching someone you desire walk away, it's painful and romantic all at once.

Falling in love with strangers is a dangerous business, isn't it?

Reviewer Comments

Falling in love and then parting-- it seems you had forgotten to pick up your heart before she walked away with it. I can relate.