Peer Review by Amyy (Australia)

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The Warning

By: AbigailSauble


The sky had white billowing clouds obscuring most of its summery blue face. The grass was dry and dandelions littered the lawn like unwanted guests. Queen Anne's Lace added to the drab colors of late summer, and the trees had begun to turn different colors. I had been at a neighbor's house, helping her move out of her home to a smaller apartment in town, which is why I was driving up my driveway on my bike.
   Immediately, I rode behind the house to the handmade swing hanging from the great Elm tree. I always swung on it when I wanted to relax. But a strange sight stopped me in my tracks.
   A faded image of a young girl was already seated on the swing, slowly moving back and forth, her laced-up boots barely trailing on the ground. The tree made creaking sounds, so I knew that the swing was actually in motion, but perhaps it was simply the wind rocking it. Blinking to clear my vision, I stayed where I was, my bike at my feet, and debated whether to head back the way I had come, or walk up to the swing.
   As I argued with myself, the girl turned to look at me. I gasped at the unmistakable chilly breeze I felt when I looked into her gray eyes. The figure was very pretty, but her eyes held something far too sorrowful for me to understand. This can't be real. Deep down, though, I knew it was. What had this girl - this ghost - experienced to make her so sad? I forgot everything else but those sad, sad eyes. 
"I wish I could help you." I whispered.
   "It's too late." Her voice startled me. I hadn't expected her to answer.
   "I made my decision, and now I must face my eternal punishment." She gazed off into the distance.
I remembered something about eternal punishment from Sunday School. It was for those who had not decided to follow Jesus with their hearts. 
"I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say.
   She turned to me again. "You can do something. Don't make the same decision I made. If you do, you will regret it forever. And I do mean 'forever'."
   And as suddenly as I had first seen her, she disappeared. I blinked twice, but only saw the empty swing rocking back and forth in the late morning breeze. 
"I will make a decision." I picked up my bike and rode it to the barn. After parking it, I raced to the house, pulled the door open, and asked. "Mom, can I ask you something?" 

Peer Review

The first line due its unique imagery, in fact that was the line that made me click on this piece because it seems pretty jarring with the title.


An expansion of the above comment: because what is it that she was trying to warn you about? Because I don't have much knowledge relating to Jesus and Sunday school etc.. it'd be great if you could leave a comment to let me know.

Reviewer Comments

I love your description, specifically the visual and aural imagery. It's so good. I can literally imagine everything you're describing in my head because when you describe, you're showing me, unlike other writers who merely tell.
And when you describe the girl, are you talking about the wooden plank swings or those massive tyre ones?
Also the comments I added, please remember they're merely my opinion on how you could improve, I apologise if I've seemed harsh but I genuinely liked your piece. If you ever write a next chapter and I come across it I'll be sure to read it! Thank you for writing this piece!