Peer Review by ollieollie (United States)

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Rain Clap

By: Benjamin Mullen


all at once there was a gorgeous rumbling, but some things remained calm
and as the sky bled out it's truest colors, mumbling 
when all around is covered in dust 
the heavenly ceiling breaks open
and all the world has bid adieu
 to what once was and will remain a thundering rain 


Message to Readers

Tell me everything you think. I hope it makes you think something.


Peer Review

I was intrigued by the lack of punctuation. Usually I'm a bit of a grammar freak, but it worked here. My interest was increased when I saw the use of unusual adjectives. The words 'gorgeous' and 'rumbling' aren't normally seen together, but it creates a unique tone. This is continued by describing the sky as bleeding (it sounds really metal when you put it like that , whoops) and mumbling. The first two lines are really striking, but it loses some momentum after that. Line 4 is good as well, but I got lost during the last two lines.


Lines 2-4 did this beautifully. It gave the perfect description of rain without actually saying it. It was descriptive almost to the point of being too much, but it didn't quite hit that mark, so instead you are left with a near perfect image. You pushed the boundary, but the result was memorable. I got the sense of a violent and sudden, but necessary cleansing from this piece. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but it left an impression on me.


The last two lines seem almost a bit out of place. I don't really understand what you were trying to say, and it's weak end to an otherwise very strong piece.


Keep going! Man, you have two days to make this as good as it can be, and your strength as a writer shows. You can do it. Edit, omit, write stuff and then decide that you don't like it and delete it. Do whatever you can, but don't let yourself hit a block. I truly believe that you have a chance of winning this. Try not to overthink it, and just figure out what sounds right. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this.


Reviewer Comments

Good luck!