"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret....all the best people are."
- Listen, Smile, Agree, And then do whatever you wanted to do anyway -

Message to Readers

What kind of picture did I manage to paint?
Is there anything structural wise that I can improve on?

Keeping Promises

August 31, 2015


I am standing on the edge of reality.  Rough, jagged stone from the cracked, unkempt earth beneath my bare feet cuts deep into my skin.  Crimson red stains the bleak grey ground, adding some colour to the cold, unforgiving stone.  It is nothing less than abject agony and it hurts enough to make any normal person scream...but I block it out.  I have suffered worse in my life, this is mere child's play.   

Behind me is the light of the world; life bubbling and playing mirthfully as children's laughter echoes joyously.  It was a place where fluffy, white clouds and a golden sun ruled periwinkle blue sky that covered the leafy, green trees, flowering plants and lush grass in a warm blanket.  It was a place where graceful deer bounded, vibrant birds tweeted and other creatures played, their instincts and perfectly crafted web of life balancing out the strengths and weaknesses of their races. 

But of course, there must be some evil in the world and it came in the form of humans.  Humans are fickle creatures really. Born with ingenuity unparalleled, to create wonders that many can never get their heads around yet they use it for the most despicable and disgusting things that it makes me want to throw up and then go and slap each one upside the head.  Perhaps that would knock some sense into them.  Then again, perhaps it wouldn't.  Like I said, humans are capricious things.  Instead of preserving the world that they are fortunate enough to live in they go and drop bombs on each other's heads.  

I close my eyes, images of what human kind, my kind, has done and continues to do come to life in vivid treacherous scenes that are real enough to be a memory.  Innocent children who have no involvement in their home's rulers' decisions are killed mercilessly simply because they live there.  Families are torn apart whether they have anything to do with the conflict or not. A strangled laugh escapes my throat.  The word 'humanity' is divide from the word 'human' yet the definition of humanity is 'the quality od being human; benevolence'.  Humans are not ones to demonstrate acts of benevolence without having something to gain.  Jason Donohue was certainly correct with his observation, "I see humans but no humanity". 

Humans had worse ways at tearing each other apart then just mass scale destruction, I knew that first hand.  Children were practically reared in this generations old tradition of bullying, a child's version of war.  When everything you've ever believed in, all the friends you've made, all the experiences and emotions that have made life so bountiful and worth every breath you take turns on you, abandons you and turns out to be nothing more than a blissful illusion concealing the vile, twisted, bitter and agonising truth, your whole world shatters.   

The glass of your world rains down upon you, cutting deep into your flesh, sending rivers of crimson pain earthward as your mind tries to come to terms with the truth and the brutal unveiling.  No sugar coating, no compassion or tenderness or even slowly showing their true nature to lessen the emotional trauma.  Children can be just as spiteful and cruel as adults, forming their own governments through popularity and people pleasing, just like a real one.  A child only wants to have fun, have a friend and have people who care about them.  When friendship groups shift or a new kid comes along, personalities and children's treatment of one another changes as they do anything they can to remove all threats to their power, even id that means hurting people they once called friends in the process.   

Innocence.  I learnt that innocence is the most precious thing in a child's life and once it's gone, there is no way to get it back.  Depending on how traumatic the loss of their innocence was, a child's personality can do a complete 180 flip.  Betrayal of an innocent, young heart can turn even the happiest of children cold and dark.  I knew that from experience.  I guess that would explain where I am now. 

Before me is a malevolent, churning, ruthless darkness.  There is no end, just a malicious uninviting abyss and the rolling shadows above.  There is no life, no light, no humans, nothing.  Black was my favourite colour and despite how malignant the darkness seemed, it was far more inviting then the world I knew.   

Parents?  Didn't care.  Resentment boiled within me when I thought of them, all our conversations ending in arguments that sent earthquakes on rampages and stirred typhoons into action. 

Siblings?  I knew nothing about them.  There were thick unbreakable bedrock barriers between us and when we did meet each other in hallways or the bathroom, there was always silence, glares, detachment and awkwardness. 

Friends?  Betrayed or abandoned me.  I didn't need them, they only cause me pain and heartbreak.  I have found acquaintances that attempt to worm their way into my heart but I refuse to be brought down again.  I will never allow myself to be weak or broken again. 

I spent seven years of my life living through what could only be the devil's abode and I changed drastically because of it.  I look at myself in the mirror and I can't recognise myself, she isn't me.  She can't be.  The girl with a messy nightmare black mane that is never brushed, dangerous, lethal dark midnight blue orbs with a silver ring and flecks that seem to pierce into your very soul and skin tanned from hours of labour in the sun, her features disfigured by scars and marks that she won't explain.  The girl cannot be me.  I had bright sky blue eyes with a bright silver ring, pale, unmarked skin and dark brown hair that was pulled into neat braids.  She is though...and I can't deny it. 

I gaze at the swirling darkness.  My feet are teetering on the edge and one question takes up the void in my mind. 

Go back or take the fall? 

What did I have back home to return to?  What could possibly be worth suffering for?  Certainly nothing in my life I knew of.  Perhaps it was selfish that I wasn't going to dedicate my life to helping others but I didn't have a purpose that interested me.  Some charities weren't all they seemed and besides, I had no power in this world and I had no wish to become a part of the corrupted world of politicians who lined their pockets with money rather than investing that money in creating a better world.  Isn't that what they were meant to do? 

"Just let go," a voice cooed, gentle and reassuring.  "All your pain and suffering will fade away, just let go."                                                                                                                                    
I relaxed.  The voice was right, it would all be over.  I leant forward, prepared to leave my life behind.   

"DON'T!" another voice shrieked, this one loud and filled with passion, startling me enough to cause me to take a step back from the ledge.  "DON'T LET GO!  YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, JUST DON'T LET GO!" 

"Huh?" I murmured out loud, my head tilted at an impossible angle.  The new voice spoke up quickly. 

"Yes!  You have so much to live for yet you don't see it!  There are people in your life who are desperately trying to get in and help you.  Stop putting on a facade all the time and shutting people out!  You're only hurting yourself and making your life miserable so just let someone in!" 

I stepped back slightly, confused and doubting myself.  The voice spoke again, gentler this time. 

"I know things are hard but every dark night has a brighter dawn, you must believe that things will get better.  You must believe that there are good people in the world who do care about you." 

I stepped back again, my mind clearing slightly but my torment was not over yet. 

"Don't listen to it," the first voice cooed again, just as caring as it had been at the start.  "You don't deserve to suffer anymore.  Leave you pain behind, you deserve better." 

'You deserve better.'  Those words rang clear and my eyes hardened.  I didn't deserve peace though, I didn't deserve anything but I stepped forward nonetheless. Conclicting emotions and thoughts battled within me, hope and love against hatred and darkness.  I didn't know which side I wanted to win.  I didn't know which side was which. 

"Decide!" the second voice snapped, almost demanding me to return to the light. 

"Decide!" the first crooned, coaxing me in a motherly way.  I hesitated.  I don't know what to do. 

"Silver?" a familiar voice called, uncertain as to what was going on.  I tensed, I knew that voice.  It was Mimi, one the girls who I'd met a few years ago who had hung around incessantly to the point it was driving me insane.  Not because I hated her but because it was getting increasingly hard to ignore her.  I turned slightly, her mess of blonde curls a familiar and oddly comforting sight.  She wasn't alone though.  Another girl, her beautiful caramel hair pulled into a loose braid and she stared at me with undisguised concern and worry.  I narrowed my eyes, my gaze harsh and aloof but it was a cracking facade.  I couldn't hold it much longer with Gwen here too.  The voices were fading slightly, their chants wasting space in my head.   

"Come away from the edge, Sil," Gwen said nervously.  "We won't judge but please tell us what's going on." 

Fear at finally being caught, my moments of weakness discovered was enough to make through myself at the ledge.  The looks on their faces was too much to bear.  I didn't have to look to know disappointment and disgust would be etched into their features. An escape wasn't what I got though.  Six arms gripped me in a tight embrace as they hauled me back from the ledge.  I struggled against them but they only held tighter, Mimi and Gwen joining in almost instantly after I'd been torn away from the edge.  I could hear them begging, pleading with me to stop, to let them in but after so long of being alone it wasn't something that could be done easily.  I could hear Bianca's terrified voice, void of her usual jest.  Eve's was completely focused on the matter at hand, saying anything she could to convince me to stay.  Ze Ze was beside herself, begging tearful for me to stop.  My heart shattered.  How could I do this to them?  I was hurting them and I hadn't even realised it.  I never knew they cared so much.  Mimi and Gwen though, managed to make me feel even worse for what I'd almost done. 

"You promised you'd never leave, Silver," Mimi whispered, her bony arms providing the most support out of all of them.  "You said you wouldn't abandon me, Sil.  What were you trying to do?" 

Gwen was almost crying.  "You promised you'd be there for me forever.  You said you wouldn't leave me behind or alone.  Silver, you promised." 

Guilt ripped through me, self-loath consuming me completely.  They were right.  What had I almost done?  I had made them promises and I never broke my promises yet I had almost broken two of the promises I had swore I'd never break, despite never truly accepting them as friends.  Until now that is. 

The dam broke with Gwen's words as the walls I'd built up, re-enforced for so long came crashing down as I cried for the first time in seven years.  My acquaintances-no.  My friends stayed with me, never breaking the embrace despite the immeasurable time that flitted by.  I never regretted my decision to open up to them in the end, they are my anchors for now and perhaps time will change but I keep my promises and I promised never to abandon them so you can bet I'm going to keep that promise, creepy voices or not.


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