Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
This song is a really in depth and original look at the insecurity, loneliness and pressure teenagers can face, having to live up to the expectations of their friends, family, strangers, love interests, and maybe hardest of all, themselves. It made me feel understood, and although written for someone I will never know and can't relate much to on a superficial level, on the emotional level this song is spot on.
The line (Broken hearts, beaten lungs, brittle bones
Her mother asks, “Will she come home?”
Her mother asks, “Will she come home?”) stands out not just because of the repetition, but also because of the rhetorical question that forces the audience to ponder the ideas this song is conveying and whether we are changed in such a way that when we come home, we are not ourselves, and may never be again. Also, it is interesting to include the mothers point of view in this, maybe trying to highlight the distance between teenagers and adults or emphasize that adults have a deeper fear and worry of these problems than us teenagers will ever appreciate. In any case, very interesting line, while the rest are beautifully written and masterfully arranged, this one stood out, and I think that was what you wanted all along.
You read the comment (hopefully). To further convey the insecurity, the loneliness and really capture the emotion, there needs to be a slightly more drastic bridge section. With something to throw it off a bit without destroying its beauty already, it would help to really tie together this piece and ensure that the audience is taken through the emotion roller coaster with you and really feels the character, feels your emotion and intent, and goes away having been changed. That is the mark of a true song, to leave the audience with them having experienced emotion and changed because of it, and you are more than capable of doing it. This song is amazing.
It is really fantastic, near perfect in my opinion (and your recording is spectacular). If you want to heed my one piece of advice, I would be thrilled to have contributed to such an original and inspired piece. Otherwise, I imagine you are very happy with this piece of songwriting and I think it's just really awesome.
I wish I could write a song like this. If you ever feel like collaborating or working together, or even if after hearing/reading my song you are feeling less than impressed with my work, I would really like to talk. You clearly have a really amazing skill with songwriting, and as an aspiring songwriter myself I would treasure the chance to hear what you have to say. Email me (yes I know, old fashioned indeed) at firstname.lastname@example.org, and maybe we can talk sometime. Truly a pleasure to really delve deep into your song and try to discover some of its intricacies. Thank you, and I hope to see you on the billboards one day. Jacob