Peer Review by temy (New Zealand)

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Him 1

By: Kyra Young


Chapter 1

I met the love of my life when I was five at a convention for saving your money properly. It was during the break when Prince Bull, son of the wealthiest family on the west coast, came up to me and hugged me. He kept saying "mine", my mom and grandma was confused on who this little boy belonged to and why he was hugging me. About ten minutes later his parents came out and explained the whole situation. Prince wanted someone special to be with, so him and his parents were walking around for Prince to find that person. Mind you I'm five I didn't understand what was going on; after he let me go I ran behind my mom. Prince was already seven so he didn't understand why I was acting like this. He was a very outgoing seven year old; me on the other hand struggled to make friends in kindergarden. After some talk between the adults Prince and I became friends; more like he thought we became friends, I'll say a couple of months later we became friends.

Before Prince's birthday John and Kate Bull bought plane tickets to L.A. for my grandma and I. Prince really wanted me to come, so to please their only son they called and bought tickets. Prince 8th birthday was extravagant. On the Bull's three acre home there were animals, food for days, any entertainment you can think of, and of course hundreds of people. Usually that's a dream to any kids, but to me I was terrified. When my grandma and I came down stairs everything was fine. Then we heard Prince yelling my name.

"Venus come on, I want to show you the jump house" he sounded so excited.

"Ok Beast" I kind of didn't want to leave my grandma, but I went with him anyways.

After jumping with Prince for a while a couple of his friends came by to show him something. He told me to wait by the jump house, so I waited. A couple of minutes later three bleach blonde six year olds came up to me and surrounded me. From first glance I could tell they were triplets; angry triplets. Their family consisted of a father Daniel Mathers; the triplets Cherry, Toni, and Red Mathers; lets not forget all the servents coming in and out. Their mother, Sara Mathers, died from child birth. A father who's always busy and having servents raise them, the triplets became soiled and angry.

"You're a nobody-"

"That needs to stay-"

"Away from Prince." It seemed like they practiced saying that line.

When I didn't say anything the triplets started pushing me around and pulling my hair. I in turn started crying. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON" Prince looked so angry


"We were just playing-"

"Then Venus started crying." the triplets were shaking so hard.

"GET AWAY FROM MY VENUS" while in the process of smashing cake on their dresses. 

The triplets ran off crying. Prince helped me up and sat me down on his lap; rocking me back and forth trying to calm me down. In my eyes that was the day we became friends.

"Why do you call me Beast?"

"The Beast is my favorite Prince"


Message to Readers

Any feedback is fine. Thank you

Peer Review

The final line about the Beast being her favourite prince felt like a clever way to finish the story.

The curious names of the characters and the strange idea of Prince 'selecting' the main character make the piece rather intriguing.

Would you consider rewriting the chapter one day, to polish it and make it a smoother read?

Reviewer Comments

I'm interested to see how the chapter is followed up ^w^ Good work writing this. Your chapter does need proofreading though, as it has several grammatical errors.