Timshel26

United States

Life is unpredictable... Eat dessert first.

Message to Readers

Hey guys, just need a little feedback mostly on the flow of the story (whether it sounds alright), the plot (whether it makes sense), and the rhyme scheme and meter (whether it sounds as it should, like a poem). Thanks so much for taking the time to read and I'd really, really appreciate if you dropped me a quick review. I'm looking desparately for constructive criticism.

Issac and the Big Red Balloon

June 7, 2017

Note: I went through and revised this, so it should be relatively polished, but I'm working on some rough sketch illustrations right now. I just wanted to publish the finished script in case I don't finish them in time for the deadline, and so that you kind souls could read this and perhaps tell me what you think. Thanks so much :)

Page 1
Not too long ago, and not so far away, 
A boy named Issac sat on a bench one day. 
His mother sat also, and said to her boy,
"Wait here while I go and buy you a new toy.
I see one you'd like over there in that shop,
Sit here while I get it, and then off we'll hop."

Page 2
But Issac grew restless and wanted to see
If maybe he could go and climb up a tree. 
He noticed one not too far off in the park, 
And he made his way over as the sky grew dark.
But before he could get there he saw up ahead
A string attached to a balloon, big and red.

Page 3
He grabbed the string of the balloon and he rose,
Before he could let go, the ground left his toes!
Issac went higher and higher than high,
Until sky became earth and earth became sky. 
He held the balloon and it came to a stop
Where he saw top was bottom, and bottom was top.

Page 4
He found himself in a backwards sort of place,
But he was just too scared to let go of his face. 
When he finally did, Issac looked and did see
A girl not so different from him named Cassi.
"I'm Cassi," she said, but he made not a sound.
"Hold on to that balloon, I'll show you around."

Page 5
"High up above is what we call the earth
Below are the fields of the sky, and they're worth
More than you could think of, with trees made of clouds
That grow all sorts of food to feed all the crowds.
Here, corn grows in pods and on cobs grow the peas.
The fish fly the airways and birds swim the seas."

Page 6
"You end your life young and you start your life old,
And dirt here is priceless, not worthless like gold.
The poorest of people grow up to be kings,
And those who are rich do the farming and things.
We eat waffles for dinner and dessert we eat first, 
But here we hate ice cream and love liverwurst."

Page 7
"No!" Said young Issac. "This simply can't be!
Fish don't fly the skies and birds don't swim the sea.
I can't understand this strange world I don't know, 
With the earth high above and the sky far below.
It's wrong! I don't think it will ever be right 
Until night turns to day, and day back into night."

Page 8
But Cassi had known Issac wouldn't understand 
And she tried very hard to explain her strange land.
"How can you just say that this place is all wrong,
When you've been here for merely ten minutes, not long?
You say certain things just don't happen for you, 
But in saying they don't, you mean somewhere, they do!"

Page 9
Issac was very confused, so she said,
"Do you mind if I pop your balloon, big and red?
You clearly don't like that our worlds aren't the same,
So you'll rise up, back to the place from which you came."
So poor Issac nodded, got ready to go,
Then it popped, he fell lower and lower than low.

Page 10
He soon saw his mom and could not wait to tell
Of his backwards adventure from which he just fell.
"Mom! I'm so sorry I've been gone all day,
but this big red balloon just carried me away.
I went to a place where they act rather funny,
where gold is like dirt and the dirt is like money."

Page 11
Then Issac explained his adventure with glee
Of Cassi, her world, all the things that could be.
His mother just listened and laughed, then she said,
"I'm glad that you had quite the trip in your head.
Here's your toy, let's get going, home's not for a mile,
I saw through the window you'd been here all the while."

Page 12
"But Mom!" pleaded Issac, "It's real, would you care
To look and see that red balloon over there?"
But the balloon had popped and the ground was all clean,
the poor thing and its string were nowhere to be seen.
"I wish you were right," his mom said in low pitch,
"If dirt was our money, then boy, we'd be rich."

Page 13
"Come on," she said gently, and flashed him a smile.
"Dad's waiting for us, and home's not for a mile."
Issac took her hand and looked up at the sky,
Where he thought he could see some small fish flying by.
Perhaps his world wasn't as real as he thought, 
But he knew that in going there, he'd learned a lot.

Page 14
And so, my dear reader, if you come to be
In a place where fish fly and where birds swim the sea,
Pay attention and remember at the end of the day,
That a change in perspective could go a long way.

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4 Comments
  • Junior-poet

    Thought this was really a nice story and quite creative too!
    There is however the issue of syllables from line to line: there isn't the same amount in each paragraph, which for me makes the poem come across not as smooth...


    over 3 years ago
  • worriedwiredweirdo

    The best! High chance for your piece to win. I'm excited for your illustration. God bless you. :)


    over 3 years ago
  • Logannb1

    Wow! This is incredible! I hope you win!


    over 3 years ago
  • banjo

    Dang, I wish I could write poem stories! That would be so cool! This is awesome keep writing.


    over 3 years ago