Peer Review by AbigailSauble (United States)

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Evelyn

By: RedWriter


FREE WRITING

Looking back, I still had no idea why you had done it- why you had left. I was small, very small, but I can still remember. I remember the storm, the most terrible storm I have ever seen even now even though I was barely a year old when I saw it. Purple and black clouds swept over the city, opening up and letting their tears pound the cement. The sky was angry, Jasmine, and even then I knew it was angry at one of us. Because everyone else had already closed up, no lights on except for one brick cube on the corner with a flowerbed and a rich emerald sign. We were the only ones that dared to run around in the storm, to run around late where thieves might be hiding. The rain hit me again and again so it felt like I was half-submerged in a lake full of piranhas. Thunder resonated in the cracks of the sidewalk, lightening dancing on top of the roofs of stores and cafes. I might've been crying, but it wouldn't have made a difference- I couldn't hear anything but the thunder in my ears and there was already so much rain on my face that a few tears wouldn't have made a difference.
Then there was you- your long brown hair was swept into a messy side ponytail, soaking your shoulder. You held a big yellow umbrella over yourself, and a dark raincoat. There was a few worry lines etched on your face but I knew if you smiled they would quickly disappear. So I tried, hoping it might encourage you. I forced the corners of my mouth up and you looked at me, stopping for the first time the storm had crashed down. Your eyes, Jasmine, they were so blue. I would compare them to ice, but in that instant they were not cold, nor were they warm. They simply stared at me, and I felt a sharp pain in my back. It was your fingernails- they dug into my soft skin like you wanted to cling to me. Which you did- for a moment more. Then, gently, you layed me on my back and wrapped me in my blanket tenderly. You might've said something- I can't remember. Then you stood and you knocked on the door of the building. You dropped a envelop next to me. I wondered when you would pick me up, because it was uncomfortable to stay in such a position. I cried out and reached for you to let you know. But.... you weren't there. You had gone. And all I could see was a yellow umbrella being dragged behind you as you ran. I cried out again. And again, still reaching like I could still grab you. And beside me layed the envelope, a yellow card of paper next to me. I looked over, and there, written on the front, was a simple name. My name. Evelyn.


Message to Readers

Tell me which version is your favorite please this is the third installment to the Jasmine quartet. Only the last one needs to be read last, the others can be read in any order.


Peer Review

"I looked over, and there, written on the front, was a simple name. My name. Evelyn." - You left the story off with this mystery sentence. Who exactly is Evelyn? Why did her mother leave her there? I need to know more. :)


More! I need more! Mystery, sadness, yet love.


What was your inspiration?


Reviewer Comments

Excellent description! Love the mystery in this piece. :)