Peer Review by KitFisto898 (United States)

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Jasmine

By: RedWriter


FREE WRITING

I stared hazily out the window splattered with rain. The streets were empty- no cars chugged along the gray cemented road, and none of the lights in the shops and cafes had yet been turned on. The only light came from the gray sky and that wasn't much. So how on earth was I able to spot you, a little speck walking feverishly down the street with an umbrella? I after all had just woken up, and the weather was certainly not working in either of our favor. Perhaps it was your yellow umbrella, though when I spotted you it looked just as gray as everything else. Maybe it was your long brown hair behind you, but that would just blend in as well.
I wish I hadn't seen you- I wish I had spent that morning looking around in the house for you, checking every floor and every corner it contained. I wish that even if it was for another hour I could still believe that you hadn't left me. That you had chosen to stay with me and live life. That I could fool myself yet again if that meant keeping the pain away for only a little while longer. I watched you turn the corner of the street- you didn't look back. I like to believe that if you had risked it, you would've ran back inside. Crawled again up in your room and shaken the umbrella off, hoping I had not seen it. And even though I had, I would've acted like I hadn't. I would love you as I have always loved you and I would have tried to forget the whole scene.
I wish you had, but you hadn't- you had kept going, away, leaving me to stare after where you were standing through my window splattered with rain. You left, Jasmine. You left. And I hope one day you have the chance to come see me one last time, lover, even if you will still turn away again.


Peer Review

Probably the first whole paragraph. I love the moody feeling you create to set the scene of this story. (I'm a sucker for gray, rainy morning atmospheres!)


A sense of mystery. I'm intrigued by what happened with Jasmine. I want to know more about what happened.


Why did Jasmine leave? (Not necessary to include in the piece, I'm just curious.


Reviewer Comments

I love this piece of prose! Like I said, the mastery with which you develop your setting leaves me in awe. Keep writing!