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You used great sentences to explain what’s happening but it seems as if your telling rather than showing. Telling is narrating what the character is doing, just straight out telling the reader, but showing makes the reader feel for the character. Makes them get a better grasp on what’s happening and what’s going on inside the character’s mind.
The screams and the footsteps caused tension in your writing, it made me on the edge of my seat, wanting to know what happens next. You created a nice mysterious theme of this piece.
You dropped some clues throughout your writing but I do feel as if your could have added more. The dialogue of the old man told me why the man is doing this, it showed us his goal and motivation, great job with that. Also adding some more dialogue could improve Jack’s character as well.
I do believe you could add some more to further improve Jack’s character. To make the reader feel for him more. Maybe explain how he feels about this more. What actions can you add to make the reader see more of Jack?
In the beginning with how you started with Jack playing hide and seek, brought a mysterious and tense mood of this piece. The dark and the barn also added to this. And the screams, great job.
Maybe add more action, dialogue, and emotion to better build up tension. It’ll help make the reader feel more in the story if they have a more grasp on Jack.