Peer Review by Quilling Leaves (United States)

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The Mystery of the Invisible Criminal

By: JAYDEN PRICE



    It was a nice night with little wind, while Jack and his friends were playing hide and seek by the neighbor's farm. Jack decided to hide in the neighbor’s farm, when he got into the farm all of a sudden he started to hear screaming, but it quickly came to a gargling stop. Jack ran into the bathroom of the house and closed the door, and when he was sitting in the shower he heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. The footsteps walked up to the bathroom door and stopped right in front of it. The footsteps stayed there for about 2 minutes, when they slowly started to walk away from the bathroom door and go back upstairs. Jack saw his chance to run to his house, he opened the door and ran towards the large doors of the farm. But when he was running for the door he could hear footsteps running for him, he looked behind him and he saw an outline of a middle-aged man but he clearly was not alive. Jack got to the door and opened it and sprinted as fast as he could towards his house. When he got to his house Jack saw his parents sitting inside watching TV, he walked inside and told his parents what happened.
    The next day, Jack watched the news and there were reports of the same murders around the neighborhood. When the police were checking the houses there were jewlery gone from cases in everyone of the houses. There weren’t any fingerprints on the people or their cases, this would be one of the most confusing mysteries in the world. Reports of the murders and missing jewelry kept happening for a few more weeks and the criminal was never found. Jack decided to go and try to find this mystery criminal and talk to him and ask why he is so mad, so he walked to a house that no one has been killed in yet and waited for some sort of noise. After about 1 hour Jack heard the same footsteps that came down the stairs in the neighbor's farm, Jack walked towards the footsteps and saw a figure appear in the darkness of the house. Jack asked the mystery man why he was doing this, the many replied in a very low grim voice and said “The man down the street who lives in the farm killed me 2 years ago”. Jack was so startled by the man’s reply he sat there for a little while longer to process what he had just said. When Jack finally processed what the man had said he asked what the man’s name is, the man said Cole. Jack said to the man, “you don’t need to do this” and the man replied with, “yes I do I need to get back at that horrible man.” Cole showed no emotion through their conversation but he could still feel like Cole wanted to cry. Jack asked if Cole had any family that he loved and Cole said that he loves no one and never will ever again, because he has learned that if you get too close to someone they can turn on you and that does things to your head. Jack thought back to what Cole had said about the man killing him, and asked why the man had killed him. Cole said “I tried to steal his jewelry from his house”. He could’ve just called the cops and I would’ve gone to jail and learned my lesson, but him shooting me motivated me. Cole then walked away and 2 minutes later he heard screaming and never saw Cole again.


Peer Review

You used great sentences to explain what’s happening but it seems as if your telling rather than showing. Telling is narrating what the character is doing, just straight out telling the reader, but showing makes the reader feel for the character. Makes them get a better grasp on what’s happening and what’s going on inside the character’s mind.
The screams and the footsteps caused tension in your writing, it made me on the edge of my seat, wanting to know what happens next. You created a nice mysterious theme of this piece.


You dropped some clues throughout your writing but I do feel as if your could have added more. The dialogue of the old man told me why the man is doing this, it showed us his goal and motivation, great job with that. Also adding some more dialogue could improve Jack’s character as well.


I do believe you could add some more to further improve Jack’s character. To make the reader feel for him more. Maybe explain how he feels about this more. What actions can you add to make the reader see more of Jack?


In the beginning with how you started with Jack playing hide and seek, brought a mysterious and tense mood of this piece. The dark and the barn also added to this. And the screams, great job.


Maybe add more action, dialogue, and emotion to better build up tension. It’ll help make the reader feel more in the story if they have a more grasp on Jack.


No additional comments.