Peer Review by AlaynaK (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?

Murder at Midnight

By: AddyG


     As the sun sank, 14 year old Elizabeth Lanson walked out of her best friend, Kyra's, house. They had been friends for about 6 years and did everything together. Elizabeth was an undercover detective for the company U.D.I.( Undercover Detectives International ). The U.D.I. had had several cases but Elizabeth wasn't sent to do them. Many had dealt with major crimes like robbery and murders. She was not permitted to risk death.
    "Did you have fun with your friend, sweetie?" asked Mrs. Lanson. Elizabeth glared at her mother and went to her room to call the U.D.I. Sadly, they didn't answer her.
    "Do you even know I am a detective?" she murmured under her breath. She fell asleep without even knowing it was only 6:00.


    She woke up at 12:02 AM to a scream from a house a few miles away. Suddenly, her phone rang.
    "Agent Lanson, we need you to be here right now," said the top detective at  U.D.I. Elizabeth didn't even reply nor tell her parents she was leaving. She ran outside and jogged about 30 miles to get to U.D.I. When she was there, Agent Gregg told her about her case.
    "14 year old Jaxson Beter was murdered at 12:00 exactly on 5th street tonight and I need you to collect evidence and figure out who killed him. Now..." Elizabeth's heart dropped. She recognized that name but couldn't quite wrap her head around it. After she was told all of the information and location of the victim, she walked out of the building. Her face went pale. Jaxson Beter was her boyfriend.


        Elizabeth couldn't bare to see her boyfriend's body lying on the street. Who could have had so much hate and kill him? is all she could think about. She collected the evidence, (black gloves, a black mask, and a bloody knife which she had to pull out of the body), and went back to her house to investigate.


    "Hey girl! What's up?" questioned Kyra who thought it would be fun to hang out that day. Elizabeth lied that she had a great sleep and she was doing perfectly fine.
    "So you seem upset. What happened last night?" she said. Elizabeth responded with the truth about the knife and the call and the death. Kyra kept the same face but Elizabeth could tell she was also upset.
    "Yeah. But I have some suspects," Elizabeth said as she changed her mood. Kyra was bouncing out of her seat to hear the suspects.
    "Jessica Lincoln because she hates him. Also Jaxson's dad because he is a psychopath. He has been on the suspect list ever since he was accused of killing his wife," explained Elizabeth. Kyra had actually forgotten about that but didn't question anything.
    "So you only have two suspects? No offense but that's not the best," she exclaimed.
     Elizabeth replied a little too rudely, "Really? My boyfriend was killed and you care about how many stupid suspects I have? I certainly can count on you for optimism." She got up and left.


At home, she thought about other suspects.
    "It might be Kyra! She used to date him but then he broke up with her to date me!! Makes no sense at all!" She screamed. How could her best friend kill someone she loved? The thought drained out of her head and into a dream she had later on. 


    The next day at school, Elizabeth could barely pay attention. Everyone had heard about Jaxson's murder on the news. They described it as gruesome and unfortunate. As the lunch bell rang, everyone got up to get their stuff. Elizabeth encountered a new kid during lunch. His name was Ronald Tredmore. All the girls, including Kyra and Elizabeth, were attracted to his dark brown hair and shimmering blue eyes. While Kyra flirted with him, Elizabeth ate her lunch in silence.
    "He may be the hottest boy in school now that Jaxson is dead but I will not be drawn to him!" mumbled Elizabeth. Then the worst thing that could have happened, happened.
    "Hey, you're beautiful. Would you care to go out to the movies tonight?" asked Ronald in his charming British accent. Elizabeth replied before she could even think about what had happened.
    "Yes," she replied dreamily.


    "What is happening?" Elizabeth screamed into her pillow before leaving the house. 3 hours ago, the hottest kid at school asked her to the movies and she was on her way out the door. Now her suspect list had rose. Jessica Lincoln, Jaxson's father, Kyra, and Lisa Bendet who also fell for Jaxson before his death. In a few minutes, Ronald pulled up in a limo. She stepped into it cautiously.
    "What movie are we seeing?" Elizabeth questioned. Ronald pretended not to hear.
    "Um...hello? What movie are we seeing!!!" she said more angry now then when she found out her best friend was moving in 2nd grade. Ronald didn't reply but made a sharp right turn into a dark alley.
    "The movies are that way!" she screamed.
    Ronald stopped the car, locked the doors and said, "It's called... Alley Death." His words were like a knife piercing her skin. Then Kyra got out of the back seat holding the knife Elizabeth found in Jaxson.
    "You thought that I liked you? Well you are quite dumb," said Ronald.
    "Should I kill her now?" said Kyra eagerly.
     Ronald told her, "Not yet, my love." Elizabeth didn't know if she was going to throw up from the love gestures or the fear.
    "Wait. That is the knife that was in my room, the knife used to kill-." Elizabeth was interrupted by her own screams.
    "Yes. Now it is the knife that will kill you," whispered Kyra and Elizabeth blacked out from the blood loss of her arm. Kyra, her best friend, was working with a serial killer and had cut her arm, deeply.


    Elizabeth woke up in a dark room lying on a metal bed. Kyra and Ronald were making their confession to her. They had killed Jaxson.

    "What was your motive?" demanded Elizabeth.

    "Uh...duh. He broke up with me to date you, the book worm," sobbed Kyra.

    "Yeah and he was a jerk and was the hottest dude in school. I wanted that spot. And I now have it," Ronald cackled. Elizabeth stared into Kyra's eyes trying to understand what heartless person she was friends with for 6 years.

    "Well if your going to kill me, do it now. I don't care." Elizabeth said slyly. She knew that if she said the words "kill me" with her U.D.I. wristband, they would locate her and save her. Ronald and Kyra stared at her for a few seconds but then started to make their act. Ronald pulled the knife out of Kyra's pocket and went to stab Elizabeth. Luckily, he missed and only got the metal table she was strapped to.

    "So you think you can die that quickly? Well guess what? This will be a slow and painful death," said Ronald a little bit annoyed that he missed completely. Elizabeth's plan was working. The U.D.I. would be there in about three minutes. Because she was lost in thought, Ronald was able to stab her in the hand. She screamed and Kyra laughed in amusement. Before he could stab her again, the U.D.I. were able to break through the door and stop the blade. Ronald and Kyra were stunned. They didn't realize that they would be arrested and sent to jail for life. Elizabeth's torture was over.


    "Thanks again for saving me. I got worried," thanked Elizabeth. Agent Gregg and several other older agents had saved her from being killed by a complete psycho and her best friend. She was also glad that she found out that it was the same people that killed Jaxson. Although Elizabeth was still upset about Jaxson's death, solving a huge case made a good impact on her career. The U.D.I. payed her 100,000 dollars every year! Elizabeth Lanson had a lot of new changes in her life.

    "Agent Elizabeth, we need you to solve the mystery of the government's new thought to make America the smartest population in the world," reported Agent Gregg.

    "Trust me. Those tests won't go out to the public on my watch," replied Elizabeth. And off she went to solve another big mystery.         

Message to Readers

This is simply a rough draft. I will submit this to the MYSTERY CONTEST when I have the time!

Peer Review

The highlighted lines stands out to me the most because it makes the story a lot more dramatic.

Awe and amazement because this story is amazing.

What inspired you to write this?

Reviewer Comments

This is so good! I would definitely read this series(if it was a series). Keep writing mysteries.