Peer Review by Jeremy Houle (United States)

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To Save the World

By: Phoebe


My fingers wrap around Kelly’s throat, to snap it. The girl I love lays there, her skin still having a warm copper even though warmth was trying to leave her body.

The cars lift in the air as they twirl. The winds slap buildings as they rock back and forth, sending shards of glass flying towards citizens. This wasn’t supposed to happen. My girlfriend wasn’t supposed to be here.

We were in the middle of a hurricane. A hurricane that was started by Kelly. A hurricane that had to be stopped. Even with her death. My Kelly’s death.

My fingers shook. Kelly eyes flipped open, and I jumped back. Kelly was alive. Alive. I scrambled up to her and cradled her head. Thank god.

“Kelly you’re cold. You’re really cold. Kelly, you need hospital treatment.” Her eyes careened from side to side as the winds spun around us.

There was still hope. Hope that I could save her, hope that we could still have that happily ever after. I could do it. I could save her.

I began to haul her up, but I was jerked down. “Kelly what are you-”

“Wyatt, I have to die. You were about to do it, weren’t you? Do it. I don’t deserve to be here.” Kelly whispered. What was she even saying?

“Look, what are you even talking about? We can still stop this! No one has to die.” Kelly pressed her finger to my lip.

Kelly then gestured to our surroundings. “Look around you. People have already died. And more people can’t continue to. This isn’t just about us, Wyatt.”

I looked around, to see people lying on their backs. Black smoke was pouring from buildings as the wind whipped around. Blood smeared across the streets, almost as if the city was a landscape. These people…they couldn’t die. They all had so much to live for. So much more to do. But so did Kelly.

“We were going to have our first year anniversary, right here. Right in this park. And I can’t let your life go! Our life.” I yelled over the howling wind, and Kelly frowned.

A tear slid down her cheek. “You know, sometimes we have to sacrifice the things we love to protect another thing. We wanted to protect this city. Now one of us will.”

No. I buried my head in her lap, fighting back the tears. Every moment that we had was gone. It was stolen by those small mistakes we made.

“Those scientists said this wouldn’t happen when we signed up. We can make them stop this. We can make them fix you! It’s not too late-”

Kelly shook her head. “Wyatt, I love you.” Her hand was cradling something, and then it opened. A ring.

“Take it Wyatt. Let it be something of me for you.” Kelly whispers.

My heart drops. She bought it with the money we got from those damned scientists. Damn them. If I’d had just a little more money. If worked so much harder for the both of us…

Damn if I’ll let them get away with this.  “No! I won’t take that! We were supposed to protect everyone. Protect everyone together. The powers will eventually calm down-”

“Wyatt.” Her voice sound exasperated, like when I would talk and get over excited. Or when I kissed her too much. Or even that time I just kept staring at her and telling her she’s the most beautiful women in the world.

Tears began to freely fall now. “I know, Kelly.” I held her to my chest, absorbing her warmth. Every inch and curve of her body, were trying to ingrain itself into my mind. Everything had to come to end. I couldn’t prolong it.

And then I did it.


Headline of TIMES


Message to Readers

Please comment on whether this sounded like a male talking. I'm not too god a writing a male character, so I'd really appreciate comments on that. And I'd really like to comment on the flow, the descriptions, the characters, and if you could piece the story from the subtle hints without getting the whole backstory. And whether if you liked the subtle hints instead of infodumping like some popular novels do.

Peer Review

The line about him working harder. A very guyish thing to say.

I am wondering what sort of wierdo scientists these were, and what they were trying to do.

Why is kelly linked to a hurricane?

Reviewer Comments

Sorry it took so long for someone to do a review on this, I just now saw it, looking all the way back to page 19 of things "seeking reviews." You asked about your male narrative voice, and, as I am a male, I feel specially qualified to quench your curiosity. (lol)

I thought that both his vocal words and his thinking words reflected a guy very well. Reading his words, he seems like a professional, but not a dried-up scholar. He knows what family is about, but he also knows his duty. And he can get angry without getting out of hand. Willing to listen. Understands.