Peer Review by sincereskies (United States)

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Ekphrasis

By: csaw


FREE WRITING

Can you tell me where the border ends?

Each twisting of the tail and each filigree in the dusty sky
Gives life to a new question of the distance it takes
To turn hand-drawn leaves
Into shadows of gold.

We dance across the sky,
Below your feet,
Everywhere you look until
We are reflected in each footprint you make across the sanded tar.

you think you can reach us?
Even as eternity passes the oasis will always be
A road block and a twisted pole away.
Even a oxes feet burn against the desert’s kiss.



You can only hope that
That drop of paint
will grow until it dilutes my golden frame.


Message to Readers

Hi All! Thanks for reading my piece. As always, I'd love to hear interpretations you might have -- I try to create complex poems with a lot of meaning, and want to make sure they come across. Thanks!! -- Cat


Peer Review

"Even as eternity passes the oasis will always be/A road block and a twisted pole away." I love this because in the 21st century, we have all these roads and signs everywhere, that they can't be avoided. I love this line! Now to change to a bit of criticism, make you whole poem constant. You change back-and-forth from city life, to beach life, to a forrest. What do you want to convey? Where do you want to convey it?


Not quite closure yet, as the piece isn't done, and all of these stanzas are very interesting to think about, but I don't see what story, what lesson you are trying to convey. Keep at it! I can see this poem thriving if you keep revising it!


What are you trying to say? To prove? Incorporate this into your writing.


Reviewer Comments

Hello, Cat!

First off, I think this is a wonderful first draft, but you need some tweaking. You said you like to create complex poems, but I think you are trying too hard. You obviously are a talented writer, so just let the words flow through you. Don't worry shout writing something profound: sometimes the most beautiful poem is the simplest one.

I would love to hear more of your works, so please keep writing, and let me know if you need any more help, because I would love to keep reviewing your work!

Your friend, Iris